pangs
| <<-- : 09.06.04 : -->> |
8:16 a.m.for awhile there, i had convinced myself that i wanted to be in a relationship. but honestly, i don't think i'm the relationship type. i've been chasing a dream and in the process hurting myself over not having something "normal".
i think if something "normal" was to stare me right in the face, i'd freak out and run away. i think there is just so much to do out there and so many people to meet and meet again that i wouldn't want to be tied down in a relationship.
am i afraid of commitment? am i one of those people? history seems to show my lack of commitment.
let's start at the beginning, shall we? jesse and i had something great. it was fucked up and drug and alcohol induced. but it was what i was into at the time. and when i realized how much we were committed, i turned away from all that. and yes, that happened to be better for me in the long run. but what was it that i couldn't commit to? i had convinced myself that it was the drugs and alcohol, but was it really the relationship that freaked me out? because after he left, i didn't stop the drugs and alcohol. but i know that it wasn't healthy for him. i knew he was on a downward spiral. it was bringing me down with him. it did get scary.
next comes m. if i only waited one more day to hook up with t, i wouldn't have lost him. we would've gotten together. but then how long after that will i have found some reason to get out? i will never know.
and with t, we got into a relationship. that was the closest to normal i have ever gotten. we dated for about two and a half months. all the while, i had been going through a fight with m. realizing i wanted to be with m. and that never panned out. t said he loved me, and i couldn't say it back. it was wrong to be in that relationship. we had good times, but it wasn't love. and i freaked out. so i left.
and since then, i'd come across guy after guy, and most of them were good guys. i just floated around. each "relationship" lasting for about 2 weeks or so.
i just can't seem to hold on. and when i finally get myself to a point where i decide to hold on, the guy gives me the talk. the talk in which he explains that he doesn't want anything serious from me. so why am i beating myself up over it? i must give off that vibe, because simply put, it's what i want.
and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. i'm barely in my mid-twenties. i'm not even finished with college yet. i'm still finding myself. and in the meantime, i can't afford to have anything serious in my life. i need to enjoy the time i have. because soon enough, i'll be serious about settling down. i can't be serious about it now. i need to just have fun. get my shit straight on everything else in my life, before i can even think about a serious love(hate) relationship.
as emotional as i am. i'm not ready for that kind of commitment yet.
so maybe it's not that i'm one of "those people". maybe it's just that i'm a regular twenty-something who's going through normal twenty-something pangs of young adult life who's still trying to find his way in the world.
so let's just not make life more complicated than it needs to be.
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