lost
| <<-- : 09.13.04 : -->> |
9:02 p.m.i seem to have dug myself into a bigger hole than i can imagine. emotionally, financially, physically.
i just don't feel well. my sinuses have been bothering me all summer. everyone keeps telling me it's allergies or it's the dry weather. i've tried everything and it just won't go away.
apparently, my educational goals are going to be a lot more difficult to achieve than i had expected. i fucked up so royally at cypress that it'll take at least three more semesters on top of what i already have planned in order to be considered for SFSU. it's either that or go back home and attend cypress college and apply for academic renewal. at this rate, i don't even know if i'm going to even finish college. so what's the point? i don't even see the point anymore in going to classes and studying. it's next to impossible to clean up the past five years.
i might as well drop out now while i still can and get a full time job. work up the corporate ladder and such.
i feel so alone. i don't know what exactly happened to make me feel this way. but it's been like this for awhile. for the past month or so. this feeling has been gradually increasing as time passes. now, more than ever, i feel it even more. i've been so depressed lately. i just don't know where i'm going and if i'm even on the right path. i guess i miss having close friends and family around. i don't know too many people up here and i can't seem to get myself to meet people. i'm sad. and i've been angry and i do stupid things. sometimes i feel like i'm going crazy.
i'm afraid if i go home, i may never move back out again. i will find things that i miss about being out here and i'll be sad again. but if i stay, i'll find things that i miss about being home and remain sad.
but it's not an issue about going home or not. or is it?
what is it really that's keeping me here?
the fun job where i really don't like a lot of the customers and where my coworkers don't trust me?
the school where i don't really like most of the students and if i stay, it would take me more than twice as much time to finish?
or the bar scene? where most everywhere i go, i don't fit in.
i guess i just don't know anymore. i thought i knew. i liked that i was in a place where everything is accessible for me, since i don't have a car. it's just that i haven't been the greatest with money and i'm running dangerously low on funds. i can't ask my parents for more money. my mom is struggling enough as it is. i haven't worked much hours since i've been in school and other obligations had cut last week's paycheck to nothing. i should've planned more for it, but that's what i get for not setting my priorities straight.
i just don't know how long i can live like this. maybe this is just a funk. maybe i'll get over it soon. maybe i'm just bottled up and i need to let it out. it seems like i've been not depressed for so long that it's all coming at me all at once. like i was overconfident in myself and now all of this overwhelming sadness has decided to teach me a lesson.
it's fucking karma. i'm such a horrible person and i deserve everything that's happening to me. self-inflicted and all.
how did i get so lost?
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