lessons
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8:12 p.m.

it's time to make that big time life decision again. it has been almost a year since i moved here to the city and it has been one hell of a ride. this time last year, i made the decision to move out here. and now i'm coming across the same sense of nostalgia (nausea). i'm fighting deep rooted feelings to move back home. but i know it would be in my best interests to stay here, and well... grow up.

i can't stay at starbucks. the job is killing me. i work insane hours when i open the store. i don't think i can take it. i don't think my body (or mind) is cut out for that. kudos to those who can take it. but i'm realizing that i'm over it. i'm ready to start working normal hours. i want that 9-5 bullshit that i dreaded last year. i want to smooze at lunch hour. i want an hour for lunch. okay, that last part seems unlikely, but it would be nice to work towards that.

i'm not exactly going to put school on the backburner just yet. but i will have to rearrange some things. like for example, maybe take night classes next semester. i'm hoping to find a part time job for now that will accomodate my current school schedule. i would be free mondays, wednesdays, and fridays, and would have class on tuesdays and thursdays that would conflict. i don't want to drop those classes. i want to see them through til the end of the semester. hopefully i can accomplish this.

and once the job thing is situated, i would hope that my living situation will be worked out. roommate wants to move out or he wants me to... i'm not quite sure yet. apparently, he had talked about this with my current boss. boss set me aside today and talked about it with me. i then revealed to him my current career/motivation crisis. so everything's good. my leaving starbucks wouldn't be a surprise to him. yet, my living situation has yet to be dealt with. the conversation that took place with boss and roommate was a week ago. i'm unclear if this was after roommate and i talked or not. but roommate and i had decided to tough it out for a few months until one of us either finds a replacement. it was unclear who was the one to leave.

on one hand, i wouldn't mind finding a new place. but i wouldn't want to have to go through all that again. if i were to leave, there's no guarantee that i would get my deposit back. but i would suppose that the new roommate would pay the equal amount deposit which would go to me. and if the situation were reversed, the same would apply to roommate. and then there's the issue of me having to find the replacement if i were to stay. and what if i can't? i might be able to afford the apartment with the money dad sends me plus whatever i hope to make at a new job. but it would be tough and roommate would need his deposit back for his new place. so then the both of us would have to leave, with no place, and no deposit. there's no guarantee that we would get the deposit back if the both of us were to break lease. then we would both be screwed out of a lot of money. well, a lot to me anyway.

i hurt a friend, and i'm forever sorry i destroyed a friendship. it's just funny how one thing will consequentially lead to a series of downfalls.

let's just say that if i survive this and everything that's wrong in my life right now, i will have truly and utterly learned. my. lesson.

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read me - 03.29.07
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