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10:21 p.m.

last night we went out to the cafe again and i got really drunk. i think i was trying to salvage the good times we had the previous night for new year's eve. but i just don't think it was really happening. roommate dave wasn't in the mood and he was already too drunk and feeling sleepy. his friend from denver had been visiting this weekend and i kinda offended him last night. we were walking through pointing out cute boys we liked and he commented that one of the ones i pointed out proved that i really must like older guys. so i double taked at the guy i thought was cute and didn't think he was any older than i. in fact i thought he was younger.

so i made the mistake of walking over there and saying, "my friend thinks you're older. how old are you?" i tried to explain, in the best of my drunk nature, that i thought he was cute and wanted to know his age due to the comment that was just made.

the events to follow are kind of shady in memory. i don't know how i dismissed the situation, but we were suppose to head outside to meet roommate dave. he had gone home sometime earlier in the night and came back because he seemed to have misplaced his keys. also, we called and forced him to come back since he left without warning.

so i detoured to grab my jacket and slip my number in the cute bartender's shirt and headed back to where i left roommate dave's friend. he was not there and so i proceeded outside where roommate dave was and he told me that his friend thinks i'm an asshole. i guess i didn't realize that what i had done was pointed him out when talking about "a friend" thinking that the guy was older. and the two boys shot him a dirty look back in the bar. he was infuriated with me when he came out of the bar to meet us and professed that he was going to pack up and leave that night. he didn't want to be around me. honestly, at the time i didn't think i pointed him out. but in retrospect, i must have not thinking about the consequences.

i was just angry that he reacted that way and i didn't want to be around them. so i started heading up the street to find another bar. but roommate dave couldn't get in without a key and i didn't want to give them my keys. he thought i was an asshole, so i wanted to be an asshole. but i didn't want to leave roommate dave out in the cold and rain. so i told them i'd meet them at the house and i ran across the street to walk home by myself.

i got home first and they were a ways behind still. so i tried to make the best of night and try to drink another beer. but it only made me feel worse and the room started to spin. i had taken only a couple swigs and i dumped the rest down the sink. i tried to crash in my bed, but moments later they arrived. i could here them talking in the next room. so i got up, still dressed, put on my coat and left the apartment.

i decided to abuse my key priviledges with davemarr's apartment just this once and crash at his place til i sobered up. at this point, i was drunk beyond comprehension and my emotions ruled every action without consequence. so i stumbled dizzingly up the two (or three) hills it takes to davemarr's place, walked into his apartment, and crashed on the bed in his living room laden with doghair. i hugged a pillow and tried my best to fall asleep.

davemarr slept obliviously in the next room. but jackson woke up to greet me and to get a drink of water. but i was in bed trying my very best to fall asleep and keep the earth from spinning. apparently, the hike up increased my intoxication a bit. i remember at one point having to pee. but i was starting to sober up and feel a little embarrassed at the previous night's events. i didn't want to wake up davemarr with the toilet flushing or anything. so i got up and headed back home. and to my surprise it was light out. the rain had stopped and the air was crisp and clean. i missed mornings like that. it seems like i'm hardly ever up before 8am.

i got home and i crashed. i woke up this morning with a splitting headache and i jumped straight into the shower. i wanted to get ready and get out before roommate dave and his friend woke up. i was a little embarrassed and still a little angry at what had happened.

so i hung out davemarr today, since we had plans to watch a movie. being slightly broke until the bank opens tomorrow, davemarr gladly agreed to treat me. he brought me to lunch and we watched "house of flying daggers" and cooked me dinner. all the while i had to indure his criticism and tormenting laughter at last night's story. okay, i'm exagerating a bit. but it's always nice and refreshing to hang out with davemarr every now and then. i'm glad to amuse him with my "complicated drama", as he would put it.

as i exited the bus on the way back to davemarr's place. i slipped as i was opening my umbrella and fell hard sideways onto the ground. it's my first fall like that in a really long time. and a strange sensory experience happened. the side of my right knee hit hard against the cold concrete as my left palm dug into the ground on impact. i tried to get up but i was in so much pain. more pain that i had ever felt, or at least felt in a really long time. it lasted only a few seconds and i had to force myself to breathe through the pain before i started feeling better. and wait a bit more before i could start walking again. but all the while, i realized how sheltered i've been from actual physical pain. i don't exactly get into fights, so i've never really been hit. i don't play sports often, so i've never been sacked or flipped. i was flipped once in high school while playing football with some friends, but it was a neat experience and the guy was hot and shirtless, so i didn't mind at all.

but it never really occurred to me until that point how strange and awesome real physical pain is. not that i'd like to invite it into my life or anything. it's just that it's fleeting. all pain is fleeting and temporary and it eventually goes away. and i survived and laughed. i was overjoyed that i was in pain. it was strange. i didn't want to fall, but when i did and my right leg felt numb and unable to support me for those few fleeting moments, i stopped and breathed and it made it all better. and experiencing that was a little short of amazing to me.

but on another note, last night was the straw the broke the camel's back. i'm not talking about the tidbit with roommate dave's friend. but about my drinking habits. i can no longer escape myself with intoxication. it's not as fun as it used to be. so i've decided to devote much more effort in drinking less. i have been crazy with drinking at home alone after work. i need to cut that out. i've decided to make it a rule that i am no longer allowed to drink alone. i'm only allowed to drink with company. and i have to watch my limit. i have to decide now if it's really worth it to get incomprehensibly drunk. it's fun sometimes. but the aftermath is getting worse every time. either stuff happens during the night, or the next day is completely devoted to being a zombie during daylight hours.

also. i want to quit smoking. let's just start there. with me just wanting to. i'm considering the patch. if i can at least quit the act of smoking, that would be great. so we'll see. one thing at a time.

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cyclists - 04.06.07
reader update - 04.04.07
read me - 03.29.07
easter sunday - 03.26.07
shutdown day - 03.23.07

2006 by Anthony B. Riva
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