super deformed
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1:51 p.m.

tomorrow at noon, burning man tickets go on sale. i think for once i'll be able to afford it. but barely. i'm going to try live broke again for the next week so i can get my ticket.

i have mixed feelings about going to burning man. it's mostly about affording it and the rest about taking that much time off. but what i realized about the last time i went, once you have your ticket. the rest kind of fall into place. i did everything last minute and with little money, and i arrived in black rock city with way more than i needed.

but the anticipation of it all fills my head with worry and is making me anticipate going this year. i think this is what happened to me last year. i blew it off as it being a part of settling into san francisco. but in retrospect. going to burning man would have complimented and not taken away from becoming a san franciscan.

so this year. i must go.

and it's not just that i must. i want to. i'm looking forward to it. i will be ill-prepared to not become ill again. when i arrived at burning man last year, i was careless and let myself get sick. this time will be different. (hopefully for the better.)

the holidays are over and everything seems to be quieting down. i'm looking ahead, and i don't see much that i have to look forward to. valentine's day is coming up and unless you have someone special in your life, it doesn't really mean anything.

i really don't know where i stand with the men in my life. i like having boys to be with on occasion. but i really want that one person. everyone's either geographically unavailable or emotionally unavailable. so i'm trying to date.

ironically, my first actual date in a really long time was last thursday with someone who messaged me on friendster and was in town visiting for new years. he lives in massachussetts, 3000 miles away. he was cute and nice and we got along really well. we met up for drinks at this bar in the mission after i got off work. we talked a lot more than we actually drank. which was pretty interesting. usually i drink a lot to overcome my nervousness and shyness. but the chemistry was just right for me. we went back to my place and spent the night together, which was really nice. i don't really have any expectations of it going anywhere. it was just a meet and greet sort of thing.

i definitely would not be opposed to staying in touch with him.

so i'm trying to date. i would hope to meet as many guys as i could before i find that one who just happens to stick around. there really is no way to "find" the "one". my past two relationships just happened when i stuck around and the other kept coming back. conversating and having sex and going places. regularly and consistently until you realize that you love each other. it's really long and drawn out boring process. or maybe it's not. but when it's not, it kind of scares me that it could happen so fast. but i think the trick is to just look past all that and realize what feelings are real and not.

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cyclists - 04.06.07
reader update - 04.04.07
read me - 03.29.07
easter sunday - 03.26.07
shutdown day - 03.23.07

2006 by Anthony B. Riva
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