temporary
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11:50 a.m.

i've tried to write an entry for a few weeks now. so much has changed since my last entry. you would think it would add fuel to the fire, but it only puts it out. or at least sustain the flames for awhile.

it is temporary. it is fleeting.

and once again, i am back at the keyboard searching for answers. it's all i do. search for answers. explore through my writing.

i've been on a crazed rollercoaster of emotions. i've been going out a lot and having a good time. outside, i'm happy and joyful. inside, i am a bucket of contradiction. i try to walk with confidence and stick my head up in the air with my chest out and my back straight; a smile is on my face. i do not feel that way inside.

they say in psychology that physical posture contributes a chemical reaction to the brain, which in turn effects emotion.

if you feel like shit but you force yourself to smile, it helps. i guess that's what i've been trying to do. if i walk around like i'm confident and sexy, then maybe i will actually convince myself that i am those things. but instead of measuring my worth with confidence in my own ability, i look to others and how they see me. and worse of all, i look to strangers.

it sucks that i have always thought that i was doing really well in this department. i had figured this out long ago and had thought i was working towards opening up. but i've only come to just realize that i haven't come far at all. it feels like every day gets harder. i'm sinking within myself more and more each day.

what am i doing wrong? i've been told many many times by many people what to do or how to feel. but is knowing enough? have i conditioned myself so much that i can no longer change?

right after my last entry i started to date someone. we only went out on two dates. there was promise of more and i enjoyed his company. we tried to get together a couple of times, but there was conflict with out schedules. it didn't happen. i would've liked it to, but i guess he just wasn't as interested to make time. so it could have easily passed off as a schedule thing, but i'm sure it was more than that.

shortly after that, they ended my temp assignment. the job i had been at had given me the go-ahead to sign up for day classes. but they must have over-estimated and realized that they could no longer afford temps. so they let us go. as much as i would have loved to go to school, i wasn't loving the 3pm to midnight schedule. now i'm back working from 9-5, and i think i like it much better.

i'll have to try the school thing next semester again. i really prefer night classes anyway. they're usually at other campuses around the city. the main campus during the day is just too much. it's too far and there are just too many people.

i like being back at the receptionist desk. i'm in a swanky new office. it's only temporary, for a week and a half. but everyone's really nice. i would love a job like this to be permanent. my agency is working on getting me into a temp-to-hire data entry position at an insurance claims office. that job doesn't sound as glamorous as this one. but at this point in my career, anything permanent would be good.

richard still calls me regularly. we don't always have sex, but we sleep together often. i enjoy his company and his friendship. it almost feels like i'm in a relationship, but i know that we're not. we've had the discussion. i think we're just in a somewhat sexual relationship, but when we stop having sex, we won't refer to each other as "ex's". at least not an "ex-boyfriend".

it's kind of nice to have someone around like richard. it helps me feel less alone in the love-department. but i might want more. and he can't or won't give me more. i would have loved to spend valentine's day with him. but i was afraid to ask him. i didn't want this to feel any more like a relationship. the last time our situation started feel serious, he "broke up" with me.

so i'll continue to see richard as much as i can. but i also want to continue to date. i don't know what i'm gonna do when something serious comes along. but i guess i'll cross that bridge when i get there. as of right now, i'm assuming that richard and i have mutual feelings for each other. i know he has the freedom to see other people and i'm sure he thinks the same of me. maybe one day we'll have this discussion. but as of right now, our situation is so open and up in the air that at any moment it could end. on the other hand, it could become serious.

everything in my life feels so temporary. i'm in a temp-job and i'm in a temp-relationship.

if everything in life is temporary and fleeting, when do you get to feel like you've settled down?

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cyclists - 04.06.07
reader update - 04.04.07
read me - 03.29.07
easter sunday - 03.26.07
shutdown day - 03.23.07

2006 by Anthony B. Riva
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