no stopping
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5:29 p.m.

last night, i met up with some friends at the pilsner for drinks and pool. normally, i'd run straight for the bar and drown myself in beer until i am completely inebriated and socially competent. at least i feel socially competent, but sometimes that isn't necessarily so.

but last night was different. i didn't feel like drinking glass after glass. after my first, i was already starting to buzz. i paced myself with the second glass, and waited a bit for the third.

i didn't get as drunk as i usually do. i was quite sober at many points in the night, actually. aside from the group i was with, it was the same crowd. we were there kind of early, so the place was for the most part pretty empty. i didn't feel like playing pool, partly because this one guy was really good and i didn't feel up to getting my ass kicked. but mainly it was just that i didn't feel like playing last night. then as people started to leave, i started to get bored.

i began to wonder how much alcohol dominates my mood in going out. when i stop drinking, the vibe drops exponentially. all of a sudden, i have difficulty wanting to stay.

a few weeks ago, we went to the end-up. we must've gotten there pretty late in the evening, because before i knew it, they had last call. the club goes on til 6am, so it wasn't time to go home yet. i stayed and i danced and i had fun. although we didn't stay long. even though i sobered up early on, i still had fun with the dancing.

whereas, at the pilsner, there is no dancing. (at least on a dance floor for some.) so you're left at your wits of socializing. something i'm generally known for not being good at.

i enjoy going to regular bars. in fact, i like them much more than going out dancing. but what's been different lately?

usually, i'd go to bars with people. usually one other person with whom i'd like to get to know. normally, a date. lately, i've been on a few, and going to a bar is ideal, as oppose to dancing. i suppose it's much more easier when i'm already heading out with someone. whereas, trying to meet new people when i'm already out is challenging.

charisma.

that's it.

other people have it. i don't.

i used to. i used to meet people all the time. those were the days when i could handle my drink. the drinking would equal charisma in my otherwise shy-introverted case.

way back when, i'd go out to bars and clubs and drink the night away with friends. i'd flirt and dance with hot boys i had just met. but lately, it has become much harder. more recently, i am unable.

it's kind of frustrating. it's like i've lost my edge. i don't know why i've forgotten all of that. not so much in the sense of forgetting events. but more like forgetting the feeling of being charismatic. it's like i've decieved myself into thinking that i'm incapable of it.

but i'm not.

so, the other thing is. i know i'm capable of charisma. but before, i'd have to drink to become charismatic. so what's different now? am i unable to hold my liquor? have i come to a point in my life where i drink too much? (don't answer that.)

i don't want to become like "fun bobby". the life of the party when he's drinking, the downer when he's sober.

maybe i'm jumping to conclusions (again). these are just thoughts i'm having. i could just be having a bad couple of weeks. (a couple of months? years?) i'm not a complete hopeless cause.

i think i might just need a change of scenery. there are plenty of other bars here in the city. there just happen to be those that i'm not at my best in. and i'm not gonna beat myself up over every bar where that's the case.

last night was fun. i didn't get completely drunk. and i realized that i started to have fun when i stopped having expectations.

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cyclists - 04.06.07
reader update - 04.04.07
read me - 03.29.07
easter sunday - 03.26.07
shutdown day - 03.23.07

2006 by Anthony B. Riva
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