the real fool
| <<-- : 10.10.05 : -->> |
i am so fucking emo today it hurts.
i see the pattern.
i feel the pattern.
i accept the pattern and i'm open to making it change.
for starters, i'm going to stop drinking for awhile. i've surpassed lots of the major events already. so i think i'm in the clear until halloween at least, and even then, i don't think i plan on doing anything big. no big parties, no castro street faire. i think i'm just going to stay home unless someone offers up anything enticing.
but as for now. i want to start dating. i don't want to meet guys out at clubs and bars where i'm not myself. i become someone completely different and i make a fool out of myself. i've drank myself to oblivion where i pass out and wake up in a place (emotionally) where i am unaware of where i am.
i don't like it. it's a dark scary place.
i meet all these guys, and i they're not meeting the right me. so even if they wanted to see me the next day, it wouldn't be the same person they had just met.
i need to start dating people the old fashioned way. inhibitions and all. coffee and movies. dinner. all that boring crap. it's the only way to know that if i make a fool out of myself, it's the real me that's making the fool. it'll be a somewhat clear-headed intelligent fool. and not some drunk belligerent fool.
the problem is. how do i go about doing that? the only way i know to meet guys is out at the clubs or online. and we know how all that goes. it's the same old shit. over and over again. i need to find other avenues. other ways of meeting people.
i don't want to go totally sober (tobally soter). but i want to clean up my act. i need to stop wasting my energies in the drink. the drink is so not worth it anymore. i want companionship. i want, dareisayit, love. and i won't find it in the party scene. not that i was really looking very hard.
but i think if i'm going to emmerge back into the party scene, maybe i'll do it this time with someone on my arm, and a better sense of self. not that the two are mutually exclusive, because they're not. i know that.
but they are two things that i feel i should have before i lose myself entirely in yet another empty shallow addictive existence.| <<-- : : -->> |
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