rules of attraction according to anthony
| <<-- : 12.29.02 : -->> |
4:01 p.m.i decided not to call that guy to go bowling with his adopted daughter. last night i ended up talking to this other guy i've been talking to online. we've just been kind of talking and not much really going on. we've been meaning to hang out, and so we kinda decided to watch a movie tonite. and this guy's cool. i like him, he's nice. we've been kind of flirting with each other, but kind of not. we talked on the phone sometime this past week for like three hours in the middle of the night. and we talked again last night. but this time it was more like flirting then any other times were talked or chatted online or whatever. so i kinda decided to go see this guy, we'll call him urban.
so i don't know what to think about it. i've been thinking about how much i've been lonely and would love to meet someone and how much i'd want a boyfriend more than anything. but now i got these nervous jitters. i'm planning everything in my head, like what if we hit it off? and what if we ended up seriously dating? and then i try to picture really hard what he looks like in person, and how we would be together. and then i try really hard to imagine how it would work out, how we would be together with our friends. i can can kind of picture his friends, cuz we talked about them and we talked about my friends. and i don't know why i'm thinking all of this. and then i get down to if i really want a boyfriend right now. do i really want to give up my freedom of dating around? and then i think, what freedom? i haven't been on a date in a long time, and i haven't even been with a guy in a long time. i think i lost that freedom a long time ago, and not because of any guy.
my point is: why the hell am i thinking of this shit right now? i haven't even met the guy in person. i don't even know if i'm going to be attracted to him. sure he's cute in his picture, but it doesn't mean anything. and i don't even know if he's going to find me attractive either? he might be expecting some skinny kid, and then he finds me with my fat ass. okay, well i'm not fat. i should accept that. but i feel fat. which is why i'm going to the gym, trying to tone up as much as i could. but still, tangent. must stop. back on track... okay, point. so i think i'm going through all of this in my head to stop it before anything starts, so i don't have to go through the breakup motions when it happens, or be broken up with and go through all that, "why doesn't he love me?" crap.
so i'm going to go watch a movie, have fun. and hope we click somewhat. and who knows, he could be a really cool guy, and my friends might really like him. i can see us partying together and just having fun.
the really cool thing is, he's my age. seriously, he turned 22 less than a month after i did. and i haven't met anyone my age, or let alone that close to my age since, i don't know how long. everyone i've dated has either been close to 30 or close to 20, no one who's graduated the same year of high school i did. and this guy's half filipino and mexican. which is a pretty cute combination. i haven't dated a filipino in a long time. i know, ethnicity shouldn't be a big deal. but it is when you've been dating skinny little white boys for so long, it's time to realize that i'm never gonna be a skinny little white boy. and most of those types of boys are out for similar. and i'm not that. i'm me. i can't change who i am. i can only change my body so much. but i don't think i'm ever gonna have that type. it just kind of sucks when you're torn between two worlds. white boys want white boys. asians want asians, or white boys. no one wants inbetweens. well some do, but that's a whole other story.
i've just had this issue with myself for a long time. i know it's not true for everyone. and i shouldn't generalize. but it's just what i figured out being gay. i need to change how i percieve myself, and i need to change my standards of who i'm attracted to. if i really want love, i need to love myself first.
anyway, i'm rambling. i'm gonna go.
until then.
| <<-- : : -->> | top
cyclists - 04.06.07
reader update - 04.04.07
read me - 03.29.07
easter sunday - 03.26.07
shutdown day - 03.23.07