we're allowed to break down at least once, right?
| <<-- : 06.23.03 : -->> |

2:46 p.m.

my head is swelling up with all sorts of thoughts and emotions. all sorts of negativity. i keep wanting to give up and cry. i really haven't cried in a long time. seriously cry. crying during movies don't count. maybe i need some sort of emotional release. maybe i need a tear outlet of some sorts. something that i can just turn on and off as a faucet to release some of the stress i've been holding in.

everything just seems so dark. i don't want to go home. i don't like it there. it feels uncomfortable. i need to clean or rearrange or something. something just isn't right. maybe i need to do laundry or buy new clothes. something needs to physically change. i hate feeling this way.

works been stressing me out all day. the phones are really busy, people are in dire need of help and there's only so much i can do. people have been coming in early and leaving early and not at their desks. i've been working nonstop all day trying to get these reports done, but it just doesn't seem to end. the phone keeps ringing and my head swells.

apparently, my dad has been trying to get a hold of me. i haven't receieved any missed calls or voicemails from him. only a message from my brother pissed at me for not getting a hold of him for some reason. or he's pissed at my dad for bugging him about trying to get a hold of me. i don't know.

my dad is not in the best of shape right now. his girlfriend, with whom he moved in with in guam, has died. she's been sick for the past few months, well, since this past winter. we only found out that he had a girlfriend when we went to visit my dad in seattle in october. we never met her. but he really liked her. the whole trip in seattle, he was on the phone with her. we went around with him while he bought her a bunch of stuff to bring back. he was like a school boy with a school boy crush. it was kind of annoying. i mean, we haven't seen our dad in years, and when we finally did, he spent most of his time with her on the phone. but, anyway, that trip was when she went in for a test for the first time in her life. we later found out that she was diagnosed with a cancer of the lung. and then months later, she passes away. i don't know what to think of it. i don't know how to feel. i can only give my condolences to my dad. but it must be horrible for him.

and last but not least. i feel alone. it's dark, it's cold. it's just not summer. i don't know what season this is anymore. isn't this suppose to be where everything just turns out right? where everything comes together and where people surprise you? isn't this the time in my life where i finally become something great? where i finally step up and realize that everything will be fine and that i will be something more than i am? where is all of this coming from? why can't i stop feeling this way?

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cyclists - 04.06.07
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read me - 03.29.07
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shutdown day - 03.23.07

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