burning man
| <<-- : 09.02.03 : -->> |
5:09 p.m.getting there is half the battle:
in spite of all the stress i put myself through the past couple of weeks prior to my actual departure for burning man, i was surprisingly ready to go at 6pm, when juju was suppose to pick me up. i waited and waited, hoping that she would arrive soon. i tried calling her phone, but only got her voicemail. she ended up showing up at 1030 that night. her phone seems to go out of service a lot and she's easily unreachable. i was happy that she was okay, i was beginning to worry. we packed up the truck and left for silverlake.
we met up with jared and crew as they were loading the van. juju was going to leave me there and head off home to take a nap. she and another were expected to leave the following day. as she was about to leave, i realized that i had everything on my list but the one thing i thought i didn't need to write down: my ticket. it was in an envelope addressed to me tacked up on my bulletin board in my bedroom back in lakewood. after a unanimous group sigh and gasp, i hit up my phone to try and call anyone and everyone i could think of back home. no one was able to swing by my house and drive all the way to silverlake at midnight just to bring me a very important peice of paper. i didn't blame them. it's way too much of me to ask. but clayton, one of jared and juju's friends, offered to drive me down there as a last resort, with no hard feelings whatsoever. it was very cool of him to offer. but we had found that joey D. was still in long beach and on his way up to LA. we got in touch with him after numerous tries and he found his way to my house, where my mom was waiting with my ticket in her hand. joey D. made it up to silverlake in no time with my ticket and we were on our way.
well. not yet.
we had to swing by riverside to pick up two very large gift-mailbox-type structures and a couple of bikes. at about 2am we drive out to boonsville. everyone was awake with excitement. i was a little crazy with exhaustion but a couple red bulls fixed that right up. we get up there and load up the truck. i made friends with two stray dogs. and we head out of riverside.
to wal-mart.
a 24 hour ghetto wal mart at 5 in the morning. which seemed to be packed full of young people. there was a total of seven of us in the caravan. we had to stop there and pick up a few things, use the restroom and such. the flourescent lighting gave us all away for being up all night. tired from lifting and driving and waiting. jared gave me one of the upper diet pills that was suppose to give me lots of energy. all it did was make me feel cracked out and prevented my eyes from closing as i slept in the passenger seat.
we finally left for reno at about 6 that morning. i think it was great that we left at sunrise. we got to see all of california in the daylight. everything was breathtakingly beautiful. we made about a dozen stops and it took us all day to get anywhere. but it was well worth it. we've switched driving shifts and switched around cars, which made the trip there all the more interesting. it was most definitely fun and worth all the hard work. it just goes to show that it's not really about the destination as much as it is about the journey.
black rock city:
we arrive in reno, ask a passer-byer where to find a grocery store, and find our way to the mecca of a black rock citizen's last stop for water and supplies at the local albertsons. burners populated the parking lot. all of us were a little cranky at this point. half hungry and half eager to get to the playa. we split up to survey the area and supplies for food and water. we stock up, eat, and leave. it seems that everyone in the town is familiar with burning man. and any questions we had were happily answered by anyone working in the plaza.
we arrive at dusk on saturday. a rush of excitement consumes us as we pull through the two towns that mark the entrance to the desert city being built. we drive onto the playa and fall in the line of vehicles. i ride into the playa, standing on the back of the van overlooking everything. i wave to anyone and everyone who would wave back. we make our way to absurd plaza, where camp kathanika is designated to camp. we are greeted by mike from neighboring 'bad idea theater' with a bottle of whiskey. an instant warmth to the stomach and a good buzz is acheived as we all take shots and pass the bottle.
i borrow jared's truck and head out to the esplanade, to where i attempt to find sanctuary, the village where i will be camping. i find my camp and find davemarr who helps me set up my tent. once i'm all settled, i return to truck and return to davemarr who warmly welcomes me to burning man, complete with breakfast and coffee the next morning in his RV. it was a good night and a good morning. i was definitely overwhelmed by the beauty of the emerging city. i've already seen a ton of naked people and a ton of art and costumery. this would be home for the following week.
no place like home:
all day sunday was spent erecting the igloo for hack, my camp. i helped a lot with project x, dave's camp, with things they needed. i visited kathanika a lot to see if they needed help as well. the day was all about building and helping each other out and meeting all those i hadn't met before. it was a day of meet, greet, and build. the night followed with a wine binge. i got to hang out with the bitnet peeps, which was very cool.
all night i was extremely happy to be here. i got to see dave, whom i only get to see every so often when i go to san francisco. i was so happy to be living near him and being able to see him whenever i want. i thought about him all night as i drank wine. and i drank more wine. and then some more. i rushed back to camp as everyone decided to go their seperate ways. i was eager to see dave to tell him that i was happy to see him. i've had feelings for him since we first met. and we've returned affection everytime. i've always had this feeling of comfort in his arms, in his care. i wanted him to know. by the time i reached camp, i had been so intoxicated, that all i needed was to sleep it off. i curled up on the couch and the last thing i remember was my head in dave's lap and the soothing sound of his voice as people gathered by the fire and conversed.
i woke up monday morning, at 445am. alone. and cold. my head hurt a little and my right ear felt clogged. i wanted to find dave to tell him my thoughts from the previous night. but i felt a little abandoned. why did everyone leave me there? but i didn't want to think anything of it. i'm my own responsibility. the last thing i remembered was laying with my head in dave's lap and his arm around me. i was sure he wouldn't have left me there. i went over to his RV to find his door closed and on it was a "do not disturb" sign. he must be there with someone or at least just asleep. i didn't want to disturb him so i went back to my tent.
after a couple hours of an attempt at sleep. i continued my search for dave only to find him with a half naked boy in his RV. they were talking and hanging out. i was a little heart broken. but this is not unexpected. we both know that this is what this trip is all about. well, not all about. but it's a large part of the freedom you get when you go to black rock. so i waited to see when dave would be alone to tell him how i felt. but as the day progressed and as we worked very diligently to set everything up for the night's grand opening of the event, dave was with this boy at all times. they were pretty chummy and they worked side by side. i suddenly felt avoided by dave. as if he didn't want this boy to know that i exist in his life. for most of that day anyway, it felt like that. i was given a short introduction to him by dave at one point, but i couldn't stick around for too long. i didn't enjoy seeing him with another.
the pain in my ear grew little by little and my social tendencies diminished as the result. i wanted to not be around dave and his boy and i couldn't really coversate too much with everyone. i think i got a head cold. i grabbed a bottle of wine and headed off to kathanika, very sure that i would not be missed at sanctuary.
on my way across the esplanade, i was drawn to house music as hula hoopers danced in front of a DJ booth. i drank and danced and was very merry. i was finally having fun again and i forgot all about dave and my feelings. i continued on and neared kathanika. jared and juju and company were walking my way. i greeted them with some wine and in return jared gave me some lovely mushrooms. a little hesitant about taking them, i decided to snack on them one by one as we made our way back towards center camp. i was a little drunk and they were high, and we had a good ol' time. once we reached center camp, i started to feel the effects of the shroom. all of a sudden, we split up into two groups and i was in a carnival paradise. i didn't hallucinate too much, but i was definitely euphoric. as the night progressed, thoughts of dave and how felt began to take hold of me. everyone decided to part, and i decided to head home.
the pain in my ear grew and throbbed. as i lay in my tent, the buzzing from the generator concentrated in my right ear. i toss and turned and tried to sleep. i was a little high and saw lots of scary things in my tent. i dreamt a little, and decided that i could not sleep. i walk over to the fire lounge and find dave sitting in a chair. i sit on his lap and he welcomes me warmly and i lay for awhile. my high is beginning to wear off and he leaves for the bathroom. i sit on the couch next to his chair and i am sober. he returns and sits and people converse. i sit quietly. a perfect opportunity to tell him about my feelings. but instead i tell him about my shroom adventure and remain quiet about my true intentions of seeing him. we hang out for a bit. people come and go. we share stories. it was a good night to just be. nothing more. just be there. stare into the flames and just exist. i was content enough to be there. i didn't want to ask him about the boy or about me or about anything. i go back to my tent to sleep. and i sleep well.
waking life:
all week, it seemed, i've been having intense dreams. lots and lots of dreams. most of them involved everyone back home. and most of it revolved around mom and family. i came to the conclusion that there existed an intense dream world and there was reality. and in between was black rock city.
the following day was a good day. i was awake, non-emo, and happy. apparently, shrooming doesn't give you the depressing after effects of E. if you can survive the visulations and keep a healthy mind, it's definitely a drug of choice. it's euphoric and it gives you a great outlook on all that's around you. if you think bad thoughts, you will have bad images. if you enjoy yourself, the world is your canvas.
i wandered a lot that day. i visited kathanika and i visited hack. i walked to center camp and the medical tent. i needed to check out my ear. it turns out that i have a middle ear infection. the doctor instructed me to take ibuprofin and drink lots of water (all the while, he avoids eye contact. i was a bit annoyed by this.) he also tells me to come back the next day if it gets worse. in which case, i would be given a pass to leave burning man and head out to gerlach (the neighboring town) and get antibiotics. i wanted to avoid this. i didn't want to leave burning man, i just wanted my ear to get better on its own. but as the pain got worse, i took ibuprofin and some tylenol and i was fine. i didn't drink much that night, or any of the nights following actually. i was in a lot of pain and just wanted to rest a lot.
it really sucked. i wasn't able to socialize too much. i heard about half the things people would say and vice versa. everytime i spoke, my voice would resound in my right ear three times as loud. so i was exceptionally soft spoken. (more so than i already am.) i would go out during the week and come back early and sleep. most of my trip consited of day walks and wanderings. i wasn't able to enjoy much of the night life. on wednesday night, my eardrum ruptured. blood and puss spew from my ear. i ran to the medical tent and all they could do was give me two passes to gerloch, a couple tylenol, and the shittiest care any person in the medical field could ever give. i rush to dave, because he is the epitomy of comfort to me. he takes care of me that night and gives me pain medication and a sleeping pill so i could rest. the next morning, he drives me to gerlach where i get my medication and we get ice cream. we hang out that day at center camp and i am comfortable in his arms. i realize that i love him. and i also realize that there is more to this other boy than just a random hook-up.
burning desire:
awhile ago when i confessed feelings for a crush on here, dave read it and came to the conclusion that i was talking about him. he was right. we talked and we shared mutual affection. but he had told me of another guy. this guy is someone who lives very far away from him and the two of them are very much in love. but it didn't seem like they were going anywhere as far as a relationship. he told me that he wanted me to know this because he might be attending burning man. and if i was there, i should be aware of this fact.
i was. but i had forgotten.
was this boy the guy in his life that he warned me about? apparently, it was. the reason for their chumminess was because of the special bond they had. i wish i knew for certain. and i wish he set me aside and told me the minute he introduced me to him. i was jealous. and i was sad. i spent most of the week wandering and thinking of the two of them together. and i put myself through a lot of unecessary pain. i let my feelings for dave grow, knowing full well that there is another in his life. i pushed myself onto dave when he tried to avoid me, not wanting to jeopardize his only time with his love. so i did my best to let him be the following weekend. i wanted to talk to him about this. he told me that he would be around on saturday and we could talk all we wanted. but saturday consisted of doing drugs with him in the morning and him sleeping all day. we never talked about anything. and i don't blame him. i'm sure it's the last thing he needs to talk about at burning man. he was definitely in party mode and i wished to the gods that i could be in full party mode, too.
the burn:
i was pretty sober when we saw the man burn. it was beautiful. i let the pain in my ear get to me. i took a ton of tylenol. but it just wasn't working. sometimes when it's real quiet, my ear will throb. sometimes when it's real noisy and busy around me, my ear will throb. it's hard to find that stability in between where i'm comfortable. but i was with kathanika for the burn and i was among friends, who were all high. but they were having a good time. we split up after everyone ran around the fire.
we all found our way back to camp where i had a bit of shroom tea with chai. soon after, the effects hit me and we wandered. i got a little sick and wasn't feeling really good. but i kept on. i couldn't let this last night go to waste. i wanted to party and i wanted to have fun. inside, i was battleling to be stable. on the outside, everything was swirling. i had gone farther through the camps than i have ever all week. i didn't get to explore every bit of everything, so there were the far edges that i haven't been yet. because of the shrooms, it seemed like the edge of the world. it was darker than the parts closer to center camp and home, and it seemed a lot busier with people i've never seen.
at one point, we found our way back to kathanika, and i headed home. still shrooming, i went to the igloo. 'waking life' was playing on our projection screen. the movie seemed more real than anything else. i got to people watch everyone. i came to some very interesting conclusions about the very two different camps i've spent most of my week with. kathanika and hack both have very different people and both gave a very different sense of home for me. kathanika represented the kind of home that i'll always have in lakewood and my close friends that live there. hack represented the home i had in long beach. with the people i've met and lived there. i was never really as close to my friends in long beach that i am with my friends from lakewood. but we had a lot of fun and i've had bouts of loneliness and independence in long beach, as i've had at hack.
i tried to pass out in project x, but was unsuccessful. i woke up and thought i saw dave, but didn't say anything as he was passed out with someone in his arms. i went back to my tent, slept a little, and woke up to my last day on the playa.
what goes up, must come down:
it was early in the morning. i broke down my tent and packed up my stuff. you see, dave's been really great to me. he lent me his tent and thermo-pad to sleep on. he took care of me when i needed it most. i owe a lot to him. he's been a great inspiration to me in these recent months. i've taken a larger interest in buddhist wisdom because of him. i would've never gone to burning man without his help. i owe a lot to him. he's been a great friend and he's been a great advisor to me. i do love him. in a way that i won't really ever love anyone else.
i've been having trouble finding the right kind of affection with anyone to get into a decent relationship. maybe it was because i had dave that was in san francisco that i would go to for a somewhat relationship experience. even if it was just those two trips, it was enough to recharge me for a single life back home. now i know where we stand. and now i know that what we had was great and what we may have in the future is still something to determine. whether we will continue to be friends or whether he might be a little fed up with me from this past week, i'm not sure. all i know is that i finally got to recognize my feelings for him within myself. whether or not he reads this and learns something new isn't really a concern of mine.
i packed up his stuff and left them by his RV door with a note of thanks. i passed by project X and saw he was still asleep with his boy in his arms. i wanted to let him be. it seemed like they had a good night together and i didn't want to ruin it. i headed over to kathanika in jared's truck and finished off my trip as part of their camp. we saw the temple burn that night and i connected with my new group of friends. it was an emotionally experience that inspired me to write a very detailed letter to dave and then burn it at one of the community burn piles. a sense of completion filled me and i was content to leave this all behind.
well until next year.
the other half of the battle:
after a bit of frustration of finding some lost keys, we headed out. i rode with jared in the van and was set to meet up with everyone in sparks, near reno, at the rail city casino. we arrived after a very confusing drive around the town. they were not to be found. so we waited and we gambled a little. jared lost $15 and i won $50. i had a little fun. but i was pretty tired and anxious to be on our way. i turned on my phone to find that i had a message waiting for me, but not enough battery power to retrieve it. frustrated, we got some change to make $5 calls to a bunch of voicemails. we heard that danielle was set on staying at circus circus. so we drove there, discovered that no one was checked in under any of their names and decided to carry on for just the two of us. jared works for the marriott and got us a very nice room for a decent price at a marriot in the south part of town. we moved in for the night and slept well and had breakfast in the morning.
i was beginning to get a little homesick and i started to get cranky. jared was still all the while accommodating and i owe him a lot for putting up with my moods. jared is definitely a true friend indeed. we left a bit early as i had wished for and drove around looking for a charger for my phone. we found our way to best buy and did a little shopping. we bought some CD's and a CD player for the drive, a little reluctant at spending money, but the needless spending made us feel a little better about our frustrating evening. the drive home was awesome and beautiful. jared and i had some great conversations. i slept a little, and then took over driving so he could sleep.
we made it to riverside, where jared's very cool grandmother had dinner waiting for us. i missed home incredibly. we head back to silverlake where we catch up with jared's roomate. knowing how tired and eager i was to leave, jared lent me his truck to go home. but, before we left, we had a little discussion about him wanting to get rid of it. so we're set to work something out where i get to keep the truck and continue his payments for him.
i get home at about midnight. i find my cat, whom i missed so much, welcoming me as i walked in. my room is ant free, which is very nice, being that all my previous trips ended with me finding my bed full of the little bastards. i unpack a little and i sleep very well.
this morning i took the truck to get cleaned. i put a little gas in it and i head out to long beach for some coffee. i'm writing this write now from a very comfy spot at the portfolio coffeehouse.
burning man definitely changed me. and i can definitely say that i miss the playa. i was eager to leave, but i know that if my ear wasn't infected, i would've wanted to stay forever. i learned a lot about myself. i internalized a lot of the trip, which would've been different if i wasn't in physical pain. i know that next year will be three times as much fun and i'll get to meet a lot more cool people. i have lots more thoughts about this trip and it will probably take more entries to write them down. or maybe not. maybe i'll just save those for me. and maybe i can just move on.
i'm very happy to be home and start this new and interesting life. a lot of doors had been closed before i left and lot more has been opened as the result. i am filled with love and understanding. and i am truly happy.
as the fall approaches, my new life begins. i have lots to do and lots will be done. i am well rested.
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