dejavu
| <<-- : 09.18.03 : -->> |
10:26 a.m.jesse called again last night. apparently, he's been in jail all summer. i worry about him still. i will always love him. but i'm afraid to get involved. i really wouldn't know what to do with him. we can't be together. and we won't. but he seems so needy and there really isn't anything for me to do for him. except be there when he calls.
he wants to meet up. he's got this buffy poster for me for my birthday. it was really cute that he still associates my buffy obsession with me. but i'm really afraid to spend time with him. and then when it's time to go home, where is he gonna go? he really doesn't have a place to live and he's been couch hopping. i know he had friends and i know he takes care of himself. but when his ex-boyfriend puts him in jail for things he didn't do and his friends ditch out on him, i start to worry.
he says he's going back home to minnesota, and i think it's best for him. but he's been home a few times and he keeps coming back here. i don't know how it is for him back home. he doesn't really have a stable life out there either. he has the opportunity to stay at his grandma's house, but he is really unhappy out there. there really isn't much for him to do. and he just might use that entire time to get drunk and high. and then it would really be no different for him out here.
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this moment. right here. right now. it is 10:15am as i am writing this on notepad. i'm having a serious dejavu. the music i'm listening to. i can see myself going to san francisco tomorrow. the girl filling out the application in my office right now has a familiarity to her. just for being her. not that i know her or recognize her. but just that she's here. and i've been here before. something's up about my job. about my life. i feel change. but it feels right. i've been having serious bouts of dejavu and serious dreams. do they mark a change? does it mark a celestial shift in the balance of everything? or are they just what they are: dreams and dejavu's? anyway. there is no relation to my story. i just felt the need to observe this.
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so about jesse: i don't know if i will meet up with him before he goes back home. i want to be active in his life. i would just have to be careful and really cautious about how much involvement i take. i am the one responsible for putting him out on the street. and we do recognize that we care for each other. i just don't want him to want to be with me. i want him to get better. but i can't be a part of his life like i was before if that was to happen. i want him to be strong and independent.
he just seems like he's wasting away. and it's never a good sight to see someone you love waste away. old or young. it's never pretty. i feel so useless and frustrated that i can't do more.
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