only forward
| <<-- : 02.11.03 : -->> |
1:01 p.m.i miss my long beach. i miss waking up in my own apartment. the sun shining through my two windows on two of my walls. the breeze would ruffle the leaves right by my window. the sun would cast shadows in my room. my spacious living room. my sloppy roomate with all his shit everywhere. piles of bills on the coffeetable, the endtable, my bedroom floor, in a box up in my small walk-in closet. i miss my old ratty couch that was given to me by mark and carina, that pisces loved to tear apart with her claws every morning, afternoon, and night.
i miss coming home from work and lying on the couch as my roomate would leave for work that night and falling asleep in the afteroon with pisces on my lap, curled up and warming my thighs, with moesha or passions on the t.v. in the background. i miss being able to go "the library" to get some coffee whenever i wanted, even if i was on my way somewhere else.
i miss randomly hanging out with friends til the wee hours of the morning, only a couple hours away from going to work. i miss being able to walk to the liquor store that was litereally right outside my door and buy cigarettes and beer whenever i felt like it. even when i didn't have enough money, the nice korean lady would let me come back and pay her later. i miss her, too. i miss the random helicopter sounds and police sirens at all times of the night.
i miss being able to have friends come and go whenever they wanted to crash or have a get together. i miss hosting all night drinking binges, uh i mean parties, for my closest friends. i miss being able to bring a guy home whenever i wanted.
i miss waking up next to someone. i miss sex right before bed, in the middle of the night, first thing in the morning, in the shower, on the couch that's all ratted from pisces tearing her claws into them, on the twenty dollar floor rug from ikea, behind the twenty dollar coffeetable from out of the closet, and in the kitchen.
i miss my crazy chinese landlord lady that lived right below us and could hear every step we took no matter how softly we would walk. i miss how we would try to hide pisces because we weren't suppose to have pets, but one day she got out and all of my friends, who happened to be staying there, which was how she got out, were outside looking for her and my landlady was the one who brought her back. i miss that she didn't care and was always looking out for her when we were gone. i miss how if i couldn't pay rent, she would cover for me and helped us out a lot. i missed the chance to thank her enough.
i don't miss the crazy traumatizing fights that me and jesse use to have. i don't miss cleaning up all the broken bottles and glass off the floor. i don't miss worrying that if i were to come home and find jesse dead in the bathroom. i don't miss breaking the bathroom door and forcing jesse out of the tub where he tried to drown himself. i don't miss having to break up with jesse over and over again resulting in one violent fight after another. i don't miss him breaking my dad's guitar that he left for me when my mom divorced him. i don't miss having to call the cops on the street corner with a towel pressed on my bloody head because jesse had hit me with an endtable and had bit our roomate and is now trying to kill himself. i don't miss being afraid that i would come home and find my cat dead. i don't miss the horrible traumatic times that caused me to send him away. only for him to come back and do it all over again. but yet i still miss him.
we had good times, we fell in love. i was his first boy. we had an intense relationship, full of real passion. friendship came first and then we kissed. we would continue to kiss until i moved in with him. we moved out into our own place. i became afraid. afraid of commitment. afraid of forever. his drinking got worse. our drug usage got worse. he lost his job. we were running out of money. i had lost patience. we started to fight more and more. break up. get back together. break up. get back together. my co-worker needed a place to live. we needed the extra money. jesse continued to drink more. he would wake up every day at 3pm, get ready, go to the bar down the street. he would come home at 3am every night with different people. he didn't like being told to be quiet. he got violent. he was suicidal. he was dependent. he needed someone to take care of him 24 hours a day. i could only handle 12. he was going down and bringing me down with him. it scared me and i chose to save myself. i couldn't save the both of us. i've tried.
he had to leave. and now he's lost somewhere. was on the streets in hollywood for over a year. caught up in his own mess. a mess that i didn't help or may have contributed to. he's back in minnesota now, but for how long?
i've made so many bad choices. if i were given the chance to go back, i wouldn't know where to start. i've hurt so many people that i loved and cared about. but i can't go back. ever. only forward. only forward.
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