harder to breathe
| <<-- : 02.19.03 : -->> |
12:37 p.m.i think i might be bi-polar. one minute i'm fine. the next i'm depressed. and then i'm not worried. i feel like everything isn't fine, but it will be okay. and then i get scared and sad, and extremely worried. and then i wake up to a new day and i'm fine. i don't care. i'm happy. and then sad again. i start to think about all that's wrong in my life. in the world. and then i'm depressed again. when does it end? when will i just be happy?
if i didn't feel how short term these episodes are, then i'd say i'm normal. but i remember in high school there would be days where i'd be depressed followed by an equal amount of days of happiness. and now it seems like it keeps shortening up until now. where i'd go mornings of depression followed by afternoons of "being okay" followed by evenings of hopelessness. and vice versa. i don't know if it's because of the circumstances in my life, or if it has to do with me. am i going to be like this no matter what i do? no matter what i achieve? or no matter who i'm with?
i hope not. i've been fighting it. i've been staying strong. sometimes when i'm lazy, i'll let myself fall under the control of my emotions. but on those days when i'm determined, i can create my outcome. i can make my day a good day. but then i just have to be careful about those days where all i want to do is ride the wave of melancholy into a deep abyss of hopelessness.
i don't want to drown.
i'm not going to drown.
i know how to swim.
i'm okay.
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