killer sanity
| <<-- : 02.04.03 : -->> |
8:27 a.m.i had this dream last night. i don't remember who was with me, but i'm almost positive it was my brother. we were living in this house somewhere up north. it reminded me of our old neighborhood in washington state, up in bremerton. i remember forcing myself to watch a scary movie or something like that or was it this murderer that was stalking the neighborhood, and he was killing someone, chopping off the arm. i remember hiding and squirming as i watched.
he finished and he began to look for more victims. i ran out and somehow it was me and brother trying to run away, through the backyards of the neighborhood and through trees. we made it out to the culdesac and i remember running down the street. the guy was following and he got closer and closer. he had this knife in his hand. it was fairly small and it curved at the tip. he pushed me aside and reached for my brother. the knife went straight for his neck, but i jumped in and grabbed the man's wrist, trying to pry him away from my brother. the man grabbed me and he was strong. i remember that much. next thing i knew, i was on the ground and he was on top of me forcing the knife into me, but i was pushing back. i remember the cold steel tip barely touching my throat. and i don't know why, but i tried to will his arm away, and my head started to hurt. his arm was pulled back, as if i did that with my mind. and the knife sank into his own throat.
blood started to gush out and spill onto the concrete. he lay there in a pool of his own blood. i started to freak out. i had just killed someone. even though, he was going to kill us and has killed before, i had still taken a life. my brother grabbed me and told me it was okay and said we had to go. and then i don't really remember what happened after that, but it was a fast forward through a series of images that showed what happened. that eventually lead to everything being fine.
the trouble was, i didn't remember that part. i woke up feeling panicky, like i had just been attacked, and that i had just killed someone.
this isn't the only murder dream i've had. i've had others. and every one of them has consisted of blood, some religious reference, and family members being present.
what does it all mean?
my guess is that i'm usually in the midst of a deep depression or subconscious level of stress, where i need to vent my feelings. where i need to run, spill blood, and reconcile with family members. it was interesting that this involved my brother, because very recently, we haven't been on the best of terms. although, lately, we've been on better terms. in another dream, i ran through an open field of bare trees with rosaries hanging on their branches, to come to a hill with three large stones. and atop those stones, my three closest cousins who i had grown up with and lost touch with were there. they told me to fly. and i did, into the sky and into the sun, to where i woke up. the reason why i ran was because i was being chased by someone, to where i was caught and then strangled by rosary beads. something happened to where it flipped, and it was really me, strangling someone else. then i proceeded to run through that field.
i don't know what these dreams all mean, i just know that it usually dark and intensely real. my mind is trying to tell me something, and maybe someday i'll figure it out.
sometimes it just feels good to physically write these things down. maybe it'll help me to remember my dreams more, so that i can move on and dream other things. if i keep having the same dreams, or the same types of dreams, then something's not going right in my life. i'm usually stuck and things are changing, or if they are, not for the good of me. i just hope it means i'm not going crazy.
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