sometimes i just have to let myself in
| <<-- : 03.06.03 : -->> |

8:38 a.m.

sometimes i just don't like to smile. it doesn't necessarily mean i'm in a bad mood or i'm an unhappy person. i'm just don't normally like to smile. in the past year or two, i felt if i wanted to make the extra tips, i should smile more. so i've forced myself to smile regardless of how i felt.

sitting alone here at the desk when no visitors are around, i tend to not smile more so. but it seems like every time someone would pop up here, i'd quickly switch to smiling. just so that everyone will think everything is fine. regardless if it's fine or not.

today, i don't really feel like smiling. things kind of aren't fine right now. i'm worried and i'm tired of pretending i'm not. but i have a problem. with money. when i have it, i'll spend it. and not responsibly. i really don't want to go to vegas because i know i'm going to spend the little money i have that is suppose to go toward my already one-month late car payment. but, i had promised rosie and missa that i would go and drive my car because it eats up less gas than rosie's rodeo. and this will mean a lot to her because it's for her wedding. plus, we're staying at my family's house. so i'm going to go. i just need to refrain myself from spending more money than i need to.

i really hate the fact that i have to subject myself to doing dishes and bussing tables at night. it's definitely the lowest i've gone down from a job and i think it's kharma working it's big bad mojo on me for my irresponsibilities and losing my temper the way that i have done. i know i deserve this, so i'm letting this happen to me. i do this to myself a lot. like when i let myself get "fired" from the coffeehouse. i deserved that. i was losing it and i had given up on making an effort to show up in when i needed to. like when i let myself move back home. i knew that if i toughed it out, i could've kept my apartment, but i just let these things happen. i didn't want to fight anymore. i wasn't too happy with myself and i knew that deep down i deserved all this.

my hopes for what's to come is that i can work myself up to where i thought i was before. maybe if i keep busy, i won't need to fall in love, i won't think about him. i won't need to. maybe i can work up to being a server. make more money and spend it wisely this time. clear some things off my plate. and maybe if i be good enough, i'll get my life back.

i'm still worried. i keep telling myself that i'm not and that it's going to work out. but, i don't know how much i believe that anymore. i use to be able to close my eyes and imagine how it will work out. i could see how one thing would lead to another and it will lead me into the life i'm trying to create for myself. but all i see now is darkness.

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