love and the stars
| <<-- : 12.11.02 : -->> |
8:36 a.m.good morning everyone,
first off i like to point out that every single one of my horoscope sources (i check like five a day) all point out i will be involved in a "budding" romance this month, and i quote: "especially for single moonchildren."
so far...
nada.
nothing.
barely even a bud of anything.
now, why is that? what am i doing wrong? don't get me wrong, i'm becoming very good at being independent and alone. but, the colder the weather gets, the more i want to share a cozy blanket with someone special. i know that sounds a little disgustingly mushy, but it's what i want. someone to be warm with. someone to hold my hand and never let me go cold.
so far i've seen three types of gay people: those who are long term-relationship oriented who are "married," those who fuck around, and those who NEVER get with ANYONE. and i feel like i'm joining the latter. my goals this year were to be comfortable with being single and being independent and strong, but i feel like if i succeed completely, i may shut off everyone else and any other possiblities of meeting someone.
it's like this: what i've noticed about myself is that i can't meet anyone who's a possibility to date unless i'm at a club/bar and completely drunk, without my inhibitions. and i'm pretty conscious of what i'm doing, and who i'm talking to. and when i wanna kiss someone, i usually do. fully aware of the reprocussions and okay with it. i'm not ashamed. it's just i let down my wall to let others in. but only under the influence. typically, that's not how i want to meet my true love. if he does exist.
but outside of that world, i virtually have this brick wall that i've built because i'm usually surrounded by uptight straight guys who are so unsure about their sexuality or religion or cars or whatever that they have to be rough and tough and grip your hand as if it was a test of strength. ::breathe:: but we all know that's not true for everyone. and i have a lot of straight friends in my life who are very understanding and very much okay with my sexual orientation and theirs. i've just encountered a lot of assholes before, and thankfully i've never been attacked directly. i'm just afraid that one day i will be. and i'm preparing for it. which is wrong. but still doesn't help my current love life. i guess i was just use to living in long beach, working in a gay coffeehouse, meeting and dating guys i've met outside a bar or club environment. it's just now, it's harder for me because i've become to use to living in that world.
in response to my "three types" of gay people, my good friend carina writes:
"First of all, the three types of people apply to everyone, straight and gay alike (so don't feel like you have it worse that anyone else). But I have to say there is a fourth type. Those who are looking for someone, but haven't found them yet. This rare breed of people are few, but worth the wait. I believe you fall into this category and will find the right person when he comes along.
I also believe that your goals are admirable and you should continue pursuing them. When you are comfortable with yourself you are much more attractive to other people (confidence is like a pheromone, why do you think people who are in a happy relationship find they have a lot more people liking them?). I promise you won't shut anyone out. If anything you'll let more people in by being safe, and you won't have care where relationship is going you can just relax, have fun, and enjoy what you get when you get it."
one of the things i'm grateful for are my friends. if i wasn't human in the fact that i have raging sexual needs and desires, i would be content with not dating at all. but i guess that would apply to almost everyone on the face of this planet. and just so we're clear, i know that implies that my purpose in dating is just for the sex, it's not. i do care very much for companionship and so forth. the sex is just an added yummy bonus.
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