one step closer
| <<-- : 03.03.03 : -->> |
7:44 a.m.today is a magickal day for me. there's a lot of power in the number three. and today is numerically symbollic. at least in my life. i've lived this gregorian calendar pretty much all my life. and the numbers have value in my life. and it holds a lot of power for me.
this morning at four, he calls. we talk. and he said a lot of things that i don't quite understand right now. mostly because he was drunk and it was really hard to read into what he was saying. but mainly he wants to be friends. that's the point he got across. the thought of never talking to me again made him upset. i don't know where he got that from, but that was definitely not what i was trying to say. i was trying to explain to him how right now, i'm at a point in my life where i can go either with him. i would love to be with him, always will, and i would just as much love to be his friend. he had called because he was listening to the CD i made for him. he was thinking about me. and he said that ever since our night, he's been wanting to call me. he's just never gotten around to it. and then he saw me on saturday and felt really bad. and i believe him. i believe that he wanted to call me and just didn't. that's how it works with him. he's a stoner and i know how that is. he was so cute trying to convince me that he really wanted to call me. i feel these things, you know. it's like i know he's out there thinking of me at times. but things happen, he forgets and i'll never hear from him. but i'm pretty much use to that.
i don't know why i'm still stuck on him. i think i just want some sort of message that we were something special. i do want to move on. i am moving on. it was something i had to deal with inside. something i needed to do for myself. not for us to be together. i don't think that was ever the point. i think i've pined for something real for so long, and then i got what i wished for. this was so real that it scared the both of us into this rollercoaster ride of real passion. that just wasn't capable of what people consider a relationship. if it were any other time in our lives, it could have worked. but, right now, we're both wanting experience and companionship from not just one person. i guess, i was just trying to make it clear. or trying to get myself to see that i'm more than just a hook-up for him. i kept needing proof that i was someone special in his life. that i wasn't just a random mistake.
i know that now. i know that i'll be someone special in his eyes. even if we never hook up again. i got my confirmation. i got what i need to move on. i'm happy. i think that's why i've been feeling so at ease inside about finding love this year. i found it. i have it. i can go on and find more.
yet. don't get me wrong. i still love him more than anyone will ever know. i'll still run back to him if he EVER calls. (likely that will happen. him calling me is such a rarity. which is why early this morning, it was a wonderful thing) but he's always going to be special in my heart. only two people have earned a definitive piece of my heart. a permanent residence. he's one of them. anytime he wants to move in, he can.
okay, it's early. i'm at work and i really don't need to be here this early. so i better make the most of it and get work done. my supervisor told me that i'm doing a great job here. that was really nice to hear. lately, i've been slacking a lot. and then rushing to get things done. and i've been a little bad about coming in and calling in sick. so it was good to hear that i'm still doing a great job. it helps sometimes.
i feel a sense of renewal today. today will be the beginning of a new me. not to sound all cheesy and melodramatic, but it's a good feeling. to take power and to take control. it's one step closer to freedom.
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