momentary flecks of pain
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3:45 p.m.

i was just sitting at my desk playing solitaire on the computer, as i sometimes like to do, when all of a sudden i was reminded of my financial situation and of all the bills that haven't been paid yet. and for about two seconds, i was bombarded with these images in my head of how i may not be able to pay for everything. and of what i should do to fix the problem. so for those two seconds i became kind of depressed and worried about eveything i should be worried about. even though i've already worked this stuff out in my head and decided i shouldn't worry about them for the time being.

but it's strange how that happens.

how sometimes, when you're doing something fun, or mediocre and fun, that you'll be reminded of something that you're worried about but shouldn't be worried about in that precise moment.

or is that just me?

i remember the days when i was finally getting over m and realizing that it's not what i want. but out of habit, because i was so use to being depressed about him all the time, i would get these little flecks of jealousy and pain that reminded me that i still like him somewhere deep down inside. and they would come at the oddest times, usually when i'm working and putting away things in the freezer, or even at times when i would go on dates with other guys. and it would suck because when that would happen, i'd come to the conclusion that i still love him and that i would want to be with him again, and i would fuck up the possibility of a new relationship with whomever i would be with. and this would go on for months, it's only till recently i discovered that this wasn't the case. that the pain i've been feeling was only self-created and unnecessary.

but regardless, it's a bitch to get over. i think maybe that i create these little flashes of pain to remind me that i don't deserve to be having fun. because it usually arrives when i'm having fun and i've forgotten my worries, even if it's for a moment, i've forgotten it completely for the sake of having fun. and some part of me deep down doesn't think i deserve any kind of pleasure until i have all my affairs in order. and i also think that has a lot to do with my history of low self-esteem, insecurities, and the little pride that i have in myself.

i'm aware of most of my demons, and i've been dealing with them for a long time. it's just as i get older, i'm beginning to notice them and label them, which is a good thing for me. at least that way, i'll be able to recognize them when they're gone.

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