late night rambling
| <<-- : 03.02.03 : -->> |
11:20 p.m.i'm sitting in my room. the t.v.'s on, but i'm not really watching it. at all, actually. it's just on for background noise. if i don't have the t.v. or any music on, i'll get uneasy. i don't like too much silence. even when i read. i have to have some sort of classical music playing in the bacground. it's unsettling when there's too much silence.
my cat's curled up on my bed. she's recovering pretty well, but she demands a lot of attention. which, i was more than happy to give her. i'm happy to have her in one piece and healthy, but sometimes i just don't feel like giving affection. i'm like that sometimes.
it's a little late and i know i should go to sleep. but that doesn't matter, because i really don't want to. so i just want to write. i don't know what to write about, but i need to write. i want to say all the things that are going through my head tonight and that went through this weekend. but there's so much and it's a little confusing.
i'm oddly happy with myself. inside. but yet i long for him. i still do. and i have this feeling deep down that we're going to happen sometime. not now. but sometime. and if not, i'm going to be happy with someone else, and that makes me feel better. like i can be just happy right now and move on to something else, because in the area of love, i'll be okay. the sense of desperation is gone now. there's a story out there for me and it's going to happen sometime later. but before that happens, i have a lot of work to do. internally, externally, financially, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. i'm looking forward to this journey. i'm trying to tune myself with my environment. i want to be intune with nature and the moon. i want to open my mind and open my heart.
i've been really good about not having sex. i think it's making me a better person. if i can control my hormones and make meaningful connections with people, i know i'll be fine. i'm looking into meditations and introspection. trying to understand where all of this desperation and longing came from. is it really there? this energy i feel? or is it me? did i fabricate all of this to make sense of my hormonal anguishes?
where does all this emotion come from? why can't i think of anything else? why can't i be capable of accomplishing anything i set out for? where is this leading me? is there a reason why i'm on this particular path? why can't i make something of myself? i had a future. i had promise. potential. what happened? why did i choose the more difficult path? why do i make things harder for me when it could be so much easier?
and yes. i'm still oddly happy inside. i have all these contradictory thoughts in my head. yet i know that it will be okay.
i've noticed a theme lately in my music downloads. it's strange. but, i looked back on all my tracks that i've downloaded, and 75% of them had "breathe" in the title. a subconscious message to myself? it makes sense. i forget sometimes. sometimes you just need to breathe. stop. and breathe.
everything will be fine. everything will work out.
i don't know how long this feeling of fulfillment will last, and when i'll revert back to despair and anxiousness, but i better take advantage of this moment in my life. i'm not worried.
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