response
| <<-- : 08.20.03 : -->> |

9:50 a.m.

hey christalle!

i thought it was really cool that you left me a comment and you have a lot of good points. it's kind of hard to respond to comments on here. i just don't know how many people actually check back to see if there's a response so i don't respond to comments on the actual comments page, so a discussion is almost never started unless i go to sign your guestbook and you come back to sign mine, etc. but since we're good friends (we're still good friends right? j.k) -- i thought i should email you. okay so here goes...

signername: Christalle

comment:

> Hey bud, glad you're back. This was a very heartfelt and emo type of

> entry, and I'm glad that you've finally closed this chapter and realized

> yoor roots, like it or not. You're a step further on your road to self

> discovery and acceptance. I also do want to comment on these lines: << i

> don't know what the importance of family is anymore. i think i've lost

> all faith in the "traditional" family structure. >> I can relate to it in that

> I understand what it feels like to lose faith in the importance of family.

> Believe me Anthony, family is all you got. And at the end of the day,

> when it feels like you have noone, your family will be there for you,

> unconditional. And that is VERY important. I don't think you should lose

> faith on the individual MEMBERS of the family, but what you do need to

> accept is that certain members may have stacked up their priorities in a

> way that leaves you jealous, or unloved (dad).

-- well... by traditional family structure, i meant that there is a mom, a dad, and kids. and that it's possible for those three parts to cohabitate and survive as a whole. i know it exists in some families. but i just don't know if i believe in what it stood for. i believe that those families may appear to be normal and functioning on the outside, but there has to be some sort of disfunction on the inside. if anything, i just don't think that it can exist in a world like this with some sort of catch(ie. religious obligation, money, abuse...) i just don't believe that it has anything to do with love or devotion anymore.

> You also have to accept that your family is your family and you can close

> off on communication from your dad entirely, or learn to work with his

> lifestyle and keep him somewhat apart of you. Whether it be thru emails,

> pictures, whatever, just keep him abreast of how you are doing, and maybe

> he will open up to you in a way that you never thought possible down the

> road. It might seem like a weird way of showing his affection to you or

> loss of time spent with you and your brother.

-- i really don't want him to be apart of me. he likes to beat women. he likes to cheat on them. and he likes women to be his little servants. i really don't want that to be a part of me. my mom stood up to him. my mom fought back and moved us to california to where she could use the law against him. he abondoned us because he could no longer control my mother. he abandoned us the first time he ever laid a hand on my mom. the first time he ever disrespected her, he disrespected us. all he cares about is himself and his way. i really don't want that in my life. right now, i feel a kind of hatred for him. my mom kept all this from us when we grew up. but i saw all of this even without her telling me. i saw this in him during this past trip and when my mom told me everything he had done to her, i wasn't surprised. right now i feel hatred, and the only thing that can follow will be pity. so i'm going to keep my distance. my brother can keep in touch with him if he wants, but i'm not even going to try anymore.

> But he probably didn't want to show his guilt or shame, do you know what

> I mean?

-- he wasn't shameful or guilty. he truly believes he is right in his ways and truly doesn't understand why these women are leaving him. or that there is anything wrong with me and my brother. he thinks all is well with us and that it's all about his current situation.

> And for the "nerve" of him crying when you guys left, well Anthony, he

> must have held those tears in for so long. All this emotion probably

> rushed thru him at that moment, realizing that his two sons are leaving.

-- my dad cries everytime he hugs us goodbye. it's almost as if he doesn't know what he's doing. it's like he doesn't even understand that what he does to women is wrong. he neglects us for the entire trip and then when it's time to say goodbye, he doesn't understand why we have to do this in the first place.

> Once you accept that at least your dad is somewhat there, and you at least

> know where he is, well hey, knowing is half the battle (sorry for the lame

> cliche). But you know what I mean. There are millions of kids out there

> living in a single parent home, wondering where the other parent lives, or

> if he/she is even alive. In conclusion, haha you swear this is an essay

> huh, you can utilize that knowledge and exert that into something so

> positive.

-- i completely get what you're trying to say here. and i am very grateful for what my dad has given me. he has helped me out a couple times. i've asked from him and he's given. there are a ton of dead beat fathers who will disappear forever and never show up in their child's life. my dad is obviously different. and i'm grateful to know all these things about my dad and his family and to be able to travel and do great things. i guess i just wanted more out of this experience. i wanted a dad. and it doesn't seem like i have one. or the image of my dad has been crushed, and his true self revealed. almost everything i have taught myself to not become, he is. and it's scary. i never knew how much it hit close to home. i guess this is one for the scriptbooks.

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