the factors of self-awakening
| <<-- : 03.18.03 : -->> |

7:54 a.m.

okay... here i am. at work. it seemed like so long ago since i was last here. friday wasn't that long ago. but it seems like it is. i don't see why i have to go through all of these emotions and mope around the house. what a waste of a (long) weekend. that makes me want to even mope some more. it's stupid and unnecessary. i'm going to fight this thing head on. for starters, every day i'm going to post two things i'm grateful for in my life. (cheesy, but necessary) and i'm going to post my daily buddhist wisdom i get emailed to me from beliefnet. i guess i signed up for muslim and angel wisdom as well. the only one out of those three that i can really meditate on is the buddhist wisdom. it's the only that i feel is really teaching me something, that i can relate to. the muslim teachings so far that i've received are very "allah" specific. most of them are like, "do this and allah will grant you rewards" or "those who see allah see light" or something like that. almost mirroring christianity. isn't it kind of ironic, or not so much if you think about it. so far, the buddhist religion is teaching a way of life. a way of thinking and evolving. i've always believed that your spirit will grow as you see the world around you. as you change your views in your environment. understanding who you are inside and where you're coming from. and your spirituality and understanding should grow with that, naturally. christianity seems to force that upon you through repentence, guilt, and threat. there's no way i can learn anything about myself or "my God" with all of this negativity getting in the way.

i'm not a buddhist or anything. i doubt i'm going to dive head on into that religion. or any for that matter. this is a personal quest of the mind, spirit, and body. in order to understand who i am and where i want to go in life, i need to open my mind to all types of beliefs. even though i say i'm not christian anymore, i'm still bound by the catholic guilt. it's close to twenty years of habit, and i can't break that. i caught myself saying the "our father" in church on sunday during the baptism out of habit. it meant nothing. but i was mouthing it without really noticing i was doing that until half-way through. this is no way to be a part of any religion.

okay. i should get back to work. i come in early to get work done, instead i end up writing in here for most of my extra time. that's not exactly a good habit.

-----------------------------

on with the daily wisdom:

Whose minds are well-developed

in the factors of self-awakening,

who delight in non-clinging,

relinquishing grasping--

resplendent,

their effluents ended:

they, in the world,

are Unbound.

-Dhammapada, 6, translated by Thanissaro Bhikkhu.

-----------------------------

two things i'm grateful for:

1. my friends, such as missa who was there to take me home when i wallowed in self-pity and drank myself into obliteration on sunday night. without her, i would've been trapped in that bathroom all night with a hoard of angry lesbians right outside that door.

2. red-bull- i'd remain a lifeless zombie in the morning without it

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