towed
| <<-- : 09.15.03 : -->> |
9:51 a.m.on friday, i went up to LA to drop off money for jared for my truck. i didn't really feel like staying up there, so i went home. everybody was out, so i had cooked a pizza and popped in a buffy tape. it was pretty cool to just veg the night away.
the next day, i was suppose to go kayaking with mikey, erik, and brian. but i hadn't heard from any of them since the day before. so i was up early and i decided to make the best out of the day. my mom had told me that my grandparents needed me to help set up their new safety deposit box. why are they asking me? well, it's because they don't want anyone else in the family to know they have it. only my mom and i know. now. i guess they must know that i'm never really around and that i don't hang out with the family too often. so maybe they can trust me. so i went over there somewhat early and no one seemed to be home. i left, and i headed out to long beach. i brought my laptop and hung out at portfolio for a little bit and went online. it was really nice.
i went home and then decided to go back to my grandparents' house. i went and set the box up. apparently, just had to put the code in and turn the handle a certain way, and it was fixed. they're pretty old and they have a hard time figuring things out sometimes. i have a hard time communicating with them, and is one of the reasons why i'm hardly ever around. but as a thank you for 'fixing' it for them, my grandpa gave me some cash. i had not expected no asked at all. it was a great surprise, being that i've been horribly broke since coming back from burning man. my grandma asked me to write down my cell phone number, so she could call me anytime. i don't know if that was a mistake, but i think i'm now officially their lackey. i'm sure my mom doesn't answer her phone everytime they call her, and so now they have me to call. but, i'm fine with that. when i was a toddler, my grandparents use to babysit me a lot. and i use to make them do things for me all the time. like one time, i wanted my grandma to open the door for me, and not my grandpa or anyone else who offered. or i'd want only my grandpa to get me water, and not anyone else who said they'd do it. i was a brat. but i remember i really loved my grandparents. now as i'm older, i find it difficult to form any kind of relationship with them. so if they want to call me to bring things over to their house, they are more than welcome.
i kind of feel like it's my way of giving something back to them. something i haven't been able to do all my life. i really don't think they have a lot of time left. my grandma has been sick, and it worries me. and this is the reason why it's hard for me to form any kind of relationship with 'old people.' it's the fear that they could go at any moment. and i figured that if i don't really know them that well, then it wouldn't matter. and that makes me sad, too. so if my grandparents want me to be their lackey, they are more than welcomed to it. this might give me a chance to fight those demons that i have within myself that pertain to why i can't form a decent relationship with them. plus, monetary compensation is pretty cool, although not required or expected. it would just be nice.
so what is one to do when they have a little extra cash? save it! yeah right. spend it! so i call all my friends so i could plan this big spontaneous night of going out or hanging out and drinking! and nobody. is. home. noone answers their cell. no one calls me back. nothing. where the hell is everyone? i could not find out. so i head out to long beach to drink my sorrows away. (did i mention that i've been extremely depressed and emo this past week?) but i run into joy and we head out for a night of debauchery at the silver fox. we run into some random people there, one of them being robbie. it turns out that he's single now and his boyfriend was a psycho bitch who robbed him and put him in jail. go figure. but robbie was still cute as ever and so cool, and it was really nice to see him that night. the other guy there was this guy. and that was weird. he was drunk and emotional and it was a mess. not about me, of course, but about his ex. still.
so basically, it was the four of us all night. joy, robbie, and i went over to that guy's place. and we drank to really late/early in the morning. i crash, being that i'm too drunk to drive home. so in the morning, i walk to my truck to find it gone. apparently, they're really strict about towing if you park in the parking lot over night, at the library coffeehouse. so i'm kind of freaking out. i call joy and she comes to rescue me. we find out where it is and how much i need to pay and i go home. i suck it up and i call my mom and we go to get my truck out. now i owe my mom $210 on friday and once again i will be broke until my next paycheck.
on the drive over to the towing place, my mom reams me about what's going on in my life. she goes off on how disappointed she is of me. and how i dress like a 'gangster' -- which i so fucking do not. but whatever, my mom's views of the world are warped and full of fear and i lacked the energy to fight back. she wasn't half wrong about me. i do fuck up a lot. especially with my money, and apparently hers as well. she has every right to be angry and disappointed in me. i am not doing anything with my life. i'm not going to school. i'm not making a lot of money. i'm not getting out of debt. and i'm not happy. i'm so not happy. and it's starting to show. so i stay quiet for the entire ride. after i get my truck, i go home. and i clean. i watch more buffy. and i go to sleep. and that's what the extent of my life will be for awhile.
i'm really not happy right now and i can't afford to be overcompensating on going out. i drink a lot. and it makes me feel better, but for how long? i need to snap out of this. i felt really lonely on saturday. i called everyone and nobody was there. no one called me back. and it felt really horrible. of course, i know i'm not alone. and i do have friends. really great friends. but why didn't i feel that way on saturday? why did i feel restless and needed to go out? where did the desperation come from? i need help.
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