bitter clarification
| <<-- : 05.27.03 : -->> |
6:36 p.m.to clarify on my last entry:
i guess some people didn't understand what i was saying. i don't really want to expand on it. but i guess the thoughts are kind of jumbled and i just threw them out there as i felt them at that moment.
ever since i went through the whole "m" thing, our mutual friends seem to distance themselves from me. partly, it was because i was a mess. and who would want to be around someone who didn't didn't control their emotions? i usually don't. why should i expect anything different from anyone else?
but, i really feel like it had to do with every one of them having a crush on him as well. and since i was the only one out of them to get to fuck him, i felt a little animosity towards me from them. and i guess i just feel like sometimes that they hold it against me that he didn't "choose" them. in fact, one of the main reasons why m pulled away was because a close friend of ours approached him about hooking up at around the same time i did. and he turned him away. and then to jump into something with me would've made him look hypocritical. and he didn't want that. and he didn't want to hurt our friend. so we hid what we had from everyone, unsuccessfully. and it hurt him, as he expected. so our "relationship" went down the drain.
anyway. whenever "friends" from long beach would call work for our other friend who works there, i feel like they still hold animosity towards me. or they just have given up on me. which is not fair, i know. and i shouldn't feel angry towards them. but i just feel left out sometimes. it's a downfall of mine. and i should never feel left out. because i've been invited to come along with them, but it was just always bad timing. so, we lost touch. and i don't think we're as close as we were.
anyway. more jumbled thoughts. i'm going to leave it at that.
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