desperation
| <<-- : 10.01.03 : -->> |
4:27 p.m.i'm trying really hard to fight this. but i just can't. i feel so alone. now more than ever.
i get home and i do nothing.
i used to have a purpose.
i used to have reason.
now i just don't. i just want to get out of here.
out of this darkness.
but i just can't get myself to step up. so i stay. and i wallow. because it's easier.
i don't hate them. i feel so bad for getting involved. i feel like i was trying to be a friend. i long to be there. so much. i so much want to be back. i want things to go back to how they were in the beginning of the summer. but i can't. things are just too fucked up right now. the last thing they want is me to be around. but i'm starting to not feel sad anymore. i feel anger. i feel anger creeping up. and that makes me sad. i'm angry that i'm sad. and then sad that i'm angry. and when you're angry, you want to place blame. so i blame myself. but that's makes me sad. and wallow. i don't want to wallow. i don't want to blame myself, if i don't deserve it. then who does? who deserves the blame?
i wish it was that easy. for me to just take it all, and let everything be right again. but it hurts too damn much. it just hurts so fucking much that it pisses me off. i'm so lost. i want to break things or hurt someone, just to make me feel better. anything.
but i can't. i can't go anywhere. i'm stuck at home, in that depressing house. i can't do anything. i'm running out of things to do. tears to cry. my fingers are raw from my guitar. as much as i want to play, and i could play all day, my fingers can't take anymore abuse.
fuck fuck fuck. why does this all have to go down right before the fall? god, i don't think i can live through the winter like this. not another one. it's just too cold. and lonely.
i can't let this happen. i can't let myself be sucked in again. i need to leave. i need to go away. i just need to leave. i can't live another winter in that house, alone and depressed.
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