i think you're cute, but i don't trust you
| <<-- : 04.27.03 : -->> |
6:34 p.m.i know why i shut myself out from meeting anyone new when i'm around potential hook ups. i realized it's because i don't think i trust people anymore. and by hook-ups, i don't mean sexually. i mean, hooking up with someone and getting to know them and possibly dating them.
when i was at the library, there were a few guys there that i thought i'd like to talk to. but, i completely shut myself off. i didn't return any glances or any advances. as much as i want to meet someone right now and as much as i would love to have someone in my life, i didn't do anything about it. and i've noticed this about myself for some time now.
i whine and whine and whine about not having someone and not being in the position to meet guys right now. but, whenever i am put into a good position to meet someone, i won't take the opportunity. unless i'm drunk. and meeting guys while you're drunk is very dangerous. you don't know who you're really meeting because your judgement is clouded and hormones are out of control. mostly, i'd do it just to get sex. but, that's not what i want. and i realize now why i don't pursue anyone anymore. it's because i don't trust anyone. i'm afraid to be hurt again. and i don't want that. but, if it's just for sex and gratification for the evening, then i'm not afraid and i don't have to worry about my trust issues.
fuck. how did i get like this? maybe now that i see it, i can do something about it. but i'm not about forcing anything when it's not time anymore. too much chaos will ensue if i do that. i guess it's just a matter of time. i'm learning and growing. and i'm moving on. i'm glad i see what's going on. i'm glad that i can see now that it's a trust issue with me. it's actually a sigh of relief for me. i thought it was something else. something much more problematic with me. i don't know what it could've been, but i was definitely expecting the worse. i thought it could've been something like me being too shy or something. i can be pretty shy, but i know i'm not that shy. i don't know why i talk a lot of shit and when faced with some potentials, i'd freeze up and hide. i know now. and that's good. baby steps i guess. baby steps.
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