open to interpretation
| <<-- : 09.11.03 : -->> |
9:30 a.m.i posted this on bitnet just now. i didn't think i was going to write so much, but i liked how it turned out. so i'm going to repost it here.
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i thought i knew what love was. and it was just a matter of time before i find it. but i've been finding so many different feelings that have been classified into what i was taught to be what love is.
my love for my friends
my family
my cat
my guitar
my love for sexfor compansionship/partnership
there isn't the one. it's complicated. it's not simple. no matter how you look at it. love creates complexity in all of your relationshps. whether platonic or not, you start to love someone. in some degree. and i find myself loving more than one person at different levels, but the same degree. (does that make sense?)
imagine if you will: two columns, but both at number 3. it's the same level, horizontally, but it's at a different column. i love this person THIS much. but i also love that person JUST as much, but in a completely different way. and then it would confuse me. and i would want to be with both. but how can i? who do i love? BOTH of them. so the idea of compromise and sacrifice come into play. but then why? i feel love. and love is plentiful.
i tried to convince myself that it didn't exist. but the problem was that there wasn't a lack of love in my life. but too much. so much that i didn't know what to do with it. the love i had for someone was conflicting with the love i had for my family or my friends or my life or someone else. so i swore it off. i didn't want to have anything to do with it. i didn't want to deal with the heartache and pain i brought on myself when i let my expectations of love get the better of me.
so i'm learning to love without expectation.
i also don't believe in THE ONE. i already know that i have loved. this person meant the world to me. we shared beautiful passionate moments that ignited intense feelings that had lain dormant inside of me. i never knew i could feel that way. that strong mutual desperation between two people of wanting something so bad. of struggling with each other to make that life changing decision. we were in love. he taught me how to feel.
so i know it exists.
but if i ever find someone and end up spending most of my life with, or even the rest of it, i know that he/she won't be the one. because i have loved before, and i would never take that back. when i say i love someone, it becomes a declaration that cannot be revised.
"i love you." that's it. if i get myself to say that to someone, then i mean it. i was in a relationship where my boyfriend thought he loved me. he said it one night, and i couldn't say it back. i tried, but it didn't come out. it couldn't. i forced a mumbled version out, and my stomach cringed. i never said it after that. i didn't love him. but for those that i did love, it comes out like butter. (what the?)
anyway. love is strong and powerful, yet it's open to interpretation? it's strange, but it works. the trick is to find out what the other person's definition of love is and make it work with yours. respect their definitions and try to be open to it, cuz you may find yourself adopting parts of theirs and adding them onto yours. and then you might come out with something more beautiful that you've started off with.
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