isolating fear
| <<-- : 10.07.03 : -->> |
8:32 a.m.i'm a bit emotional this morning. i don't know why. or maybe i do.
i had a dream last night. one of those dreams where you wake up tired because you've felt like you haven't slept all night. i woke up crying twice. i don't think i've ever had a dream like that where i've felt extreme sadness. the first time i woke up, i don't remember why i cried. the second time had to do something with my mom not wanting me to leave and her being angry with me.
i had dreamt that i left for san francisco early. i had a job lined up and i had told everyone that i was leaving in two weeks. for some reason, we were all gathered at my house for a party. people were there from my past, people i haven't seen in a long time. people i've dated briefly, but cared for. as soon as i told everyone, there was this commotion, and everyone was surprised. and then all of a sudden, it was like i had to pack up and they were rushing me out the door. one guy i've dated, was so sad that i was leaving that he was hugging me and then started to make out with me. i had pined for this guy for a long time, but he's such a dick, that we're no longer friends. a part of me had still wanted to pursue something with him anyway, but we never got a chance to. and when he kissed me in my dream last night, i had felt nothing. it was actually bothersome. since i was trying to get all my things and leave.
so i had instantly gotten to san francisco with all my things and no place to stay. i was lost and felt rushed. i still had two more weeks til i started my job, whatever that was. so i got my dad in alameda to get me an apartment. and then i was in my new place. still lost and unsure of what was going on. i remember next talking to my mom and that was when she was really upset with me. i suddenly felt so afraid and sad and lost i started crying and i remember waking up and curling up and crying myself to sleep.
i know that these are just my fears materializing in a form where i could express them. and i know that i have nothing to be afraid of. but the intensity of these emotions lasted until about now. i'm still a little dazed. apparently, i was so dazed, i walked out of the house in a hurry (since i woke up a little late) that i forgot my wallet and my shirt for the gym. and still dazed that it didn't bother me as it would have normally.
it might of also not helped that i read a good portion of Carlos Castaneda's The Teachings of don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge right before i went to bed. this book is great. carlos castaneda talks about his journeys through the use of medicinal plants as an apprentice to a mexican indian brujo (sorcerer). the writing's very simple and very conversational that it leaves your mind open to visualize what's going on. i've been reading a lot while waiting for and riding the bus. but last night, i decided to read before bed and i got a good chunk of one of his spiritual journeys and it set me in this mindset when i entered my dreamworld. i know i've tapped into some hopes and fears of mine as i went to sleep. and i must've tapped into that sadness that i've been holding back all week and weekend. i've never fully let myself out. i've chosen to find ways to become a strong individual and find comfort in the words of others. it seems like releasing my pain is very difficult for me. i've been able to hold on to it and be depressed. but i've been having a hard time releasing it out of me.
so last night was a little spill of it. hopefully, when i go to the gym tonight, i'll do some physical activity to stretch those emotional muscles. last thursday, after the gym, i felt extremely better. on my way to the gym, i was depressed and ready to give up. afterwards, i had an enormous amount of energy and i had felt immensely lighter. as if the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders.
i'm finding new ways to discover and isolate my pain. so far, i've realized that all my pain is a result of some fear. if i trace that fear down to what i'm really afraid of, and then isolate it, and then vanquish that idea, i feel better. so far it works. so far, i feel better. but apparently, i'm just shoving those feelings deep down. i think my next step is to take those stuffed feelings and work them out. through physical activity. through some sort of expression. whether it be writing, art, painting, or running, lifting, punching, kicking. not in the temper tantrum sense, but in a constructive, productive sense.
yesterday, while waiting for the bus, i had a really good conversation with aisha. she's going through some things, some dependency things with a certain guy. i told her how i felt about tracing back her pain to fear, and isolating it. and we talked about me and m. and how i could've used this back then. it felt really good to talk to her about things. it's like catching her up to what i've learned. i felt really good about it. and it helped me a lot. i suggested she should write in her journal. regardless of what she'll end up writing about. she says she wouldn't want to write, because she'll only end up writing about him. but she did anyway and she says she's felt a lot better. and it's kind of funny, because right now, i feel a lot better. just by writing this entry.
all the fear has left me now
i'm not frightened anymore.
it's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh.
it's my mouth that pushes out this breathand if I shed a tear I won't cage it.
i won't fear love
and if I feel a rage I won't deny it.
i won't fear love.
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