how to keep busy without actually being busy
| <<-- : 03.31.03 : -->> |
4:14 p.m.nothing new. just felt like writing another entry. i mean, why not? it's monday and everyone is hard at work. and it seems like i've been working really hard writing entries and making banners. god, i'm so behind. i know i should stop procastinating and stop being lazy. but the more i do this stuff, i'll feel busy. and then i stop and look at the piles upon piles of work. and i don't feel motivated at all. i guess that's just the heart of procastination. it's to work on anything and everything that you can ever think of that is not "real" work. like what is "real" work anyway. i guess, it's doing everything that they don't pay me to do. like fuck around online, working on my webpages and signing guestbooks and reading diaries and looking up random shit that i couldn't remember because at home, i don't really have much to avoid. but, here at work, i have lots to avoid. and i find comfort in avoiding, discovering new things about myself through writing and reading other people's lives.
it's funny how you can be so busy with not being busy. it's almost tiring. but, the satisfaction isn't the same when you're actually accomplishing something. when you actually succeed at a task and you're exhausted from it. it's not really so much making a difference, but more so much of completing a goal set by you or someone else. when the goal itself is selfless. like on saturday. we worked very hard at keeping things going. at keeping the party going. making sure everyone got food, and there was enough ice and punch. that the baby was smiling and meeting everyone. that everyone got to meet her. it wasn't about us. or it wasn't about me. i wanted to do this for them. for her. and we did a great job. i was exhausted that night and i felt good about it. i was happy. it wasn't about being drunk. it wasn't about getting drunk. it wasn't about getting laid. it wasn't about me. and i loved that.
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