simply marrvelous
| <<-- : 10.02.03 : -->> |
1:48 p.m.prophecyboy: can you help me?
davemarr: maybe. what do you need?
prophecyboy: i don't feel so good
davemarr: ok. tell me whats up
prophecyboy: i got involved in something i shouldn't have, i let my feelings for someone grow, when they shouldn't have, and now i lost two really good friends
prophecyboy: and now i just want to deal, and i just can't
prophecyboy: i can't ever deal with loss
davemarr: what do you mean you let your feelings grow for someone when they shouldn't have?
prophecyboy: one was in a relationship with the other
prophecyboy: i started hanging out with both of them
prophecyboy: we started sleeping together, the three of us... but they had an agreement to not get with me
prophecyboy: but one of them started to have a crush on me
davemarr: so you had an affair with one or both of them (and they are in a relationship?)
davemarr: ok
davemarr: i get it
davemarr: well...you fucked up
prophecyboy: and the feeling was mutual
prophecyboy: but i didn't return it
prophecyboy: i pulled away
prophecyboy: and then that guy decided that he wanted to start seeing other people
prophecyboy: but the two were still together
prophecyboy: and i got jealous when i saw him with other boys... and i told him how i felt
prophecyboy: the other boyfriend found out, and now he thinks i was trying to move in on him
prophecyboy: but anyway, i fucked up
davemarr: i dont understand. what do you mean you told him how you feel...you said you pulled away
prophecyboy: i pulled away
prophecyboy: and when i got back from SF, things were bad between them
davemarr: explain " and i got jealous when i saw him with other boys... and i told him how i felt"
prophecyboy: well, when we went out a couple times, he'd bring other boys along
prophecyboy: i told him that it made me jealous to see him with other boys
davemarr: what'd he say?
prophecyboy: he told me i was never a possibility and then he had a crush on me, but doesn't now
davemarr: ok
davemarr: so...first you have to understand that open-relationships are messy
prophecyboy: i get that now, more than ever
prophecyboy: but i never thought it would get this bad
prophecyboy: and it just hurts
prophecyboy: and i don't want to be sad anymore
prophecyboy: i don't want to be angry
prophecyboy: i'm sick of being angry
davemarr: next, you should see your role in this was as a sex partner, or lover...not as a boyfriend
davemarr: you're angry/sad because you want something you cant have.
prophecyboy: but we became friends
prophecyboy: and we became close
prophecyboy: i'd hang out with them all the time
prophecyboy: i'm more sad that i lost them as friends
prophecyboy: i never really wanted anything more than that
prophecyboy: i did at one point on some level
prophecyboy: but that was where i fucked up and that was where these feelings came
prophecyboy: but i should have never entertained those feelings
prophecyboy: but i don't want to live in regret
davemarr: well...sorry pal...you will have regret and fuckups in the future.
davemarr: :-)
davemarr: thats life
davemarr: the thing is...you need to learn the tools to not labor on the sadness too long
prophecyboy: and what are those tools?
prophecyboy: or am i suppose to figure that out myself?
prophecyboy: just wait this thing out?
prophecyboy: because i deserve it?
davemarr: no
davemarr: They are boyfriends, and they have an open relationship. that means they love each other, and sex is separate. its not connected.
davemarr: Sex is not love.
davemarr: You pulled away from the sex...and then you tested the love (via the crush, jealousy thing)
davemarr: the problem is the same - your crush and your sadness now
davemarr: its about you wanting something you cant have
davemarr: just accept that if they dont want you around, thats ok
davemarr: you shouldn't be around people who are not interested in being around you
davemarr: they cant give you what you want
davemarr: its over.
davemarr: let them move on, you move on. and learn from this.
prophecyboy: and i won't be around
prophecyboy: we've established that
davemarr: then why are you sad?
davemarr: they obviously are not your friends.
prophecyboy: because i'm so alone
davemarr: otherwise they'd want you around
davemarr: well...you're alone by choice
davemarr: you are surrounded by people at all times
davemarr: you are never alone.
davemarr: you just chose to not speak to the people who are near you
davemarr: or interact with them
davemarr: probably cuz you are afraid of what will happen if you dont say the right thing or do something to upset them.
davemarr: sorta like why you're still in the closet with your family.
davemarr: Here's the lesson to that fear: you can't control what people will think about you.
davemarr: never. they will think what they want. if they dont like you...too bad for them. Youre a good guy.
davemarr: They'll just miss out on that if they dont want you around.
davemarr: i think you're looking at life from the wrong perpective.
davemarr: You should know that you're great, and that people are lucky to have you around. if they dont get that, too bad for them.
davemarr: you can take your love, generosity and care elsewhere.
davemarr: Be nice to people. Help people. Offer yourself and things to people. Ask for little in return. Be who you want to be. Be honest. Communicate as clear as you can. Be a fun, engaging spirit to be around...and they will want you around too. Regardless of their phobias and issues.
prophecyboy: do you think i'm like this because i feel like i have to mourn?
prophecyboy: mourn the loss of friendship?
davemarr: no. you're being selfish.
davemarr: you are thinking about want you want to happen, not what is happening.
davemarr: the reality is that they are gone.
davemarr: but you dont want that
davemarr: so youre sad
davemarr: live in the REALITY.
davemarr: its ok that they are gone. That just makes space for something better to come along
prophecyboy: how can i get myself into that mindset?
prophecyboy: what can i do?
davemarr: look at your own self worth.
davemarr: what do you do that is really great for others?
davemarr: not watching tv :-)
davemarr: perhaps making people laugh.
davemarr: making people feel good.
davemarr: helping people.
davemarr: i dont know.
davemarr: but stop thinking about yourself and what you want.
davemarr: that will help you a lot.
davemarr: think about what others want...but only do what you are able to do. dont take on anything you can't logically handle (like a car payment or additional finances).
davemarr: call someone today and tell them something nice about them. that will lift your spirits.
davemarr: just tell them you care about them.
davemarr: maybe someone in your family. they do a lot for you.
davemarr: and send out your resume, links to it.
davemarr: get your plan moving. no one else will.
davemarr: do it for you
prophecyboy: yeah. i've been working on my resume, i just sent it to my friend who's studying HR as a career... she just sent it back with changes just now
davemarr: good
| <<-- : : -->> | top
cyclists - 04.06.07
reader update - 04.04.07
read me - 03.29.07
easter sunday - 03.26.07
shutdown day - 03.23.07