nothing
| <<-- : 01.07.03 : -->> |
11:20 a.m.okay, so i finally have my computer up and running! sometime during lunch yesterday, someone turned off the computer from the power strip and not from the base itself, and it shorted out the power supply or something with it. it just didn't start. i was kind of pissed, because when i have nothing to do, i just spend all day online. and now i was forced to doodle and draw while i refused to do work. well, i do have stuff to do on my computer, but because of obvious reasons, i wasn't able to do them.
so occasionally, i would press the button just to see if it would turn on. up until just a few minutes ago, nothing happened, but lo and behold it worked! i now am back online and very happy about it.
so yesterday, i went to carina's place to have dinner with her, mark, and joy. it was nice. we had pasta with pesto, salad, and sourdough toast with garlic butter. so good. it was a nice little evening.
afterwards, i went over to b's house, the guy i met on sunday. i guess i kind of wanted to see if how i felt that night was due to compatibility or just drunken drunkness. when i saw him waiting for me on the steps, he was cute, like i remembered. we hung out for a little bit, talked some more. but we pretty much covered a lot on sunday. so there moments of silence, which brought about the kissing and stuff. but the afterwards cuddling and kissing was kind of weird. i can't place it.
but it was when he would stop and just look at me, i would go, "hmm?" as if i asked, "what?"
and he said, "nothing."
and then i realized, that's right. nothing. i felt nothing. of course after having sex, the feelings are less hormonal, and there has to be something more for me to want to stick around. i don't know what it is. am i losing it? that ability to want to stick around after sex? to want to hang out with someone? i've been talking about wanting someone so much, because i feel so lonely, that when someone just happens to pursue me and makes himself available, i'm no longer interested. why is that? am i realizing finally that i am more of the pursuer than the pursued?
i think i'm still going to go out with him on friday, or i'll call him during this week. maybe feeling nothing is a little premature. i don't have much experience with him to base anything on. i think i need time. in the meantime, just enjoy some company. and a little more than that. har har. i think it would be good for me. i guess i was kind of hoping for a serious thing right now, and that's what i was going to hope and work for. but i've only met the guy. and i can't expect anything like that right now from him or myself. for obvious reasons. i am definitely on this road of rushing things and expectations, i seriously need to find another path.
psychic lady from where i use to work once told me that because my venus was in gemini at the time of my birth, i want multiple lovers. which made it sound like, i may not be the monogomous type, or i'm not really satisfied. i don't know how true that is. of if it's just a matter of controlling temptation. i do know that i want to be with one person eventually and end up there. but i've had past experiences where i won't stay too long with someone because i've found someone else. thinking that because i have eyes for someone else, my current interest isn't right for me. there was only one person who i would've been happy with, and i really believed that if i was with him, i wouldn't have ever wanted to be with anyone else. i really believed that. but maybe it was because we were never together. so i will never know if that would be true. since, all i'm left with is my imagination, and it can run away with itself.
but no matter.
not important.
i'm going to lunch.
until then.
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