promise to try
| <<-- : 11.14.03 : -->> |
9:45 a.m.so i was just reading jonathan29's diary just now. he says that in his profile, he's provided a madonna song to each of his favorites as the description. he says he had put a lot of thought into each one. at first glance, i didn't recognize the song. well, at second and third and so on, as well. so, naturally, i look up the lyrics. and it's interesting.
he attached the song, "promise to try" to my name. the lyrics are pretty sullen and full of hope and direction. i'm kind of flattered. it surprises me when i see signs of people actually reading my diary. actually putting thought into who i am. the purpose of this blog was to vent and express feelings. i never really wanted it to be a tool of knowing me. you can't fully know who i am by just reading my diary. but it's nice to way to look inside my head sometimes. but i'd hope to not be judged soley on what i write in here. most of my issues are apparent in here. most of my idiosyncrisies are screaming on these pages. but it's just an avenue of thought. it's not the only avenue i have.
reading these lyrics led me to think about what i put out there for people who don't know me. i'd like to not care about the image i present. i'd like to be strong and carefree, and not worry about what other people think. but the more of i divuldge in this place, i tend to let go and just spit out everything i am. the problem with this is that my thoughts are scattered. unorganized. they just come out. i let things out that normally i'd hide from people. it provides a sense of voyerism to my readers, and i think that's what we all love about this online diary thing.
so where do we draw the line? what sense of deccorum must we have with this thing? what you put out is what you get in return. if all you're sending out is negative energy, all that you get back is negative. when i would write about my sadness, and that was all i've written about, the response i'd get wasn't the greatest. i don't write for responses, but when they do come, you can take them and evaluate youself. who you are is reflected in those around you. your environment. and if i'm constantly depressed, i'm constantly dwelling in my problems, i'll always be alone.
yesterday, i had an interesting conversation with davemarr. he said some things that really hurt. i felt like he was attacking me. but the truth of the matter was that he hit every nail, on the spot. he had me to a tee. it wasn't that he was attacking me, he was just revealing the truth about my actions and about the consequences that repeat a cycle. it's hard to take in, and i don't know how to react or what to say. i could've chose to dwell in what i was feeling, or i could've moved on. right after that conversation, jason IMed me. he asked me how i was. at that moment, i could've said "not good." we would've talked about what happened. we would've continued on a conversation that would consist of me. and then i would feel better. and nothing would've changed. i'd continue the cycle, and soon after, i'd be sad again. so i said, "good." and we started to talk. and seconds passed, and i felt much better. i started to focus my energies on him. or on whoever else i'd continue to talk to. and suddenly, i wasn't thinking about me. and it felt good!
i know i have issues. i know i have problems. but who doesn't? and most conversations i have with people aren't about them! and that's mainly because i don't ask. there's always something about me that i want to talk about. and that's wrong. that's not what i want to do. so why do i do it? it's because i'm constantly dwelling in me. and if i want to be strong and open and caring, i need to care about someone other than me. things will work out for me. that's just the way of the world. i've always come through strong in the end. i've ruined the journey with my selfish desires. so why don't i just let go, and make the journey about others. because in the end, i'll arrive at me one way or another, so let's bring others along with me. because isn't it more fun when you have people with you to share the joys of our accomplishments?
there are still things i believe in. i've felt the love and joy of believing in the magic of life. i've shared these things with those i love. i used to wish on stars as an act of desperation and longing. now, i just do it because i recognize the romance of a shooting star. davemarr suggested that when i wish, i should wish for others. and to be honest, i've never thought of that. (selfish, i know.) so from now on, my wishes will be for others. if i make a wish, it's a promise in my heart that i will do what i can to make it possible. i don't expect anything to be handed to me on a silver platter. wishes and spells and rituals, they're there to get you in that right mindset of focusing your energies on a goal. i don't do them to have things magickally appear. i do them because they're fun! i enjoy using tools of magick and thought to help acheive a goal. it's not my only way of acheiving a goal.
wishes indulge my wants and desires. this is true. but not if i wish for others, which is what i have already vowed to do. too much has already been given to me. now, it's my turn to give back all the love and care that others have given me. and this excites me. when i first started this diary, almost a year ago, i was on this self-journey of discovering who i am. of caring for me. i wanted to be sure i can stand alone and independent of relationships. i've discovered that already. i've discovered that, yes, i can stand alone without being in a love-relationship. yes. i want one. but it's not about what i want. it will happen when it does, and if it doesn't i need to be okay with that. over the year, i've focused a lot on my friends. i've discovered the value of my friendships. of how much i care for them, and how happy they've made me feel. of how much fun i've had with them. now it's time to sustain those relationships, and open doors for new friendships in this new place. and to do that, i need to lose the self. i need to focus my energies and desires onto others. what do you want? what would make YOU happy? let me help!
i promise to try!
Little girl don't you forget her face
Laughing away your tears
When she was the one who felt all the painLittle girl never forget her eyes
Keep them alive inside
I promise to try -- it's not the sameKeep your head held high -- ride like the wind
Never look behind, life isn't fair
That's what you said, so I try not to careLittle girl don't run away so fast
I think you forgot to kiss -- kiss her goodbyeWill she see me cry when I stumble and fall
Does she hear my voice in the night when I call
Wipe away all your tears, it's gonna be all rightI fought to be so strong, I guess you knew
I was afraid you'd go away, tooLittle girl you've got to forget the past
And learn to forgive me
I promise to try -- but it feels like a lieDon't let memory play games with your mind
She's a faded smile frozen in time
I'm still hanging on -- but I'm doing it wrong
Can't kiss her goodbye -- but I promise to try"Promise To Try"
written by Madonna and Patrick Leonard
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