and the truth is i miss you
| <<-- : 09.29.03 : -->> |
11:45 a.m.i was digging around in my garage on friday. i went through a lot of things that i had forgot i had. i came across jesse's letters. almost all of them. i went through some, and the desperation in his writing of wanting to be with me forever was intense. the passion in his words screamed at me and ripped my heart out. i missed that. i missed that he would write me notes and leave them for me when i would wake up. he didn't have much. but his words were all i needed.
then, in our last days. i remember him losing it. i remember him being a weak shell. hardly recognizable. he was so distraught and so depressed, i couldn't bare it. i remember him and i barely talking. i remember we couldn't deal with this. i remember him not making much sense.
this is what i remember. and it is false.
i found his last letter he wrote me. it was a long letter with about 4 or 5 pages, front and back. he said a lot of things that made sense. he said that my problem is that i don't talk. i don't communicate. how familiar does that sound? i can't communicate. i can't talk. it's hard for me to do this. why is this? why is it that jesse saw this? and i didn't. i can't remember those days. i'm trying to recall. but i don't trust my memories anymore. why did i block that? why did i block all the good memories of him being smart and insightful. why did i block the fact that he actually knew who i was and gave thought to how i think and operate?
why was it so easy for me to let go of him? when he was the only one who shed blood for me. why did i only hold on the the worst?
one of my biggest fears is being decieved. is to be decieved. by someone else. and i've just regarded that as paranoia, and i've learned to trust lots of people. i've given the benefit of doubt to many. and i've let them deceieve me once or twice, and then i'll draw lines. trust is easy when it comes to strangers. but now, i can't trust myself. i can't trust my memories. i can't trust my feelings. it's not about other people anymore. it's about trusting me. and i'm not ready to trust me. to love me. so how is it that i can expect someone else to do the same?
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