can we say, "anger management?"
| <<-- : 01.23.03 : -->> |
10:19 p.m.so today i had a bad case of the road rage. i mean really bad. i think i'm losing my mind. people suck. i don't like people very much. most of the time, they can't drive.
most of the time.
i was trying to bust my butt to get to a Wherehouse to sell my CD's cuz i need cash for tomorrow night. here i am, after work, hungry, tired, cranky. i call the number to the nearest store, and no one picks up. fine. i finally get there and it's dark. all the shelves are cleaned out, and they're closed. closed down. fuck. i was just there not even two months ago. how could they have closed down? oh. cuz cerritos sucks ass and the towne center's a ghetto ass place that doesn't make any money.
so i call aisha. she says there's one in lakewood, by the mall. cool. of course it's close to six o'clock and there's still a surplus of people trying to get home from work. i get there and i sell my three CD's and get $8.20 for them. fuck. i know i only had three, but i should have at least got more than that. i spent more money than that in gas for driving for an hour.
whatever.
i just want to get home.
i hit major traffic on my way. it starts to clear up a little. my lane opens up in front of me, so i speed up. i'm thinking, finally, and this BITCH (not that BITCH) cuts right in front of me, almost kissing the front of my car with her bumper. not even signalling. if she had her signal on and i was just being a dick by speeding up, i'd still get pissed off, but that would've been fine. i'm already cranky at this point, i'm pulling my hair out from the traffic and the people and the slow drivers. this was like the straw that broke it for me.
so i tail her for a couple lights. she's freaking out, cuz she's knows it's her bad. i'm angry. i follow her. she turns. i follow. she switches lane. i'm still there. i'm pissed off. she tries to lose me and i catch up. i'm so mad that i don't even care what happens to my car or if i get pulled over. i'm just doing the only thing i can do. as if i was trying to teach her a lesson to not mess with me.
how fucking stupid. of me.
who the fuck cares if she cut me off? i get cut off all the time. what if this was the first time she cut someone off? and i seriously scared her. and she probably didn't deserve it. what compelled me to get SO angry? this day is nothing compared to the shit i've been through. what the hell is wrong with me?
i slow down. i make a U-turn and i head home. one more light to my house. almost there. i'm almost crying from how i've acted, and this ASSHOLE makes an illegal U-turn from my left and almost hits the side of my car. he had to stop. back up. and then adjust himself to pull up right behind me. i literally looked to my left and saw both of his headlights shining into my car. FUCKER.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE MY LUCK. i hate this town. i hate these people. i hate everything about this place. i couldn't take it anymore. he passes me up around my right and i cut right behind him, ready to follow this guy. but he turns into a parking lot and i keep going. fuck that. i pull into my neighborhood and as i'm driving through, i seriously broke down.
i lost it.
i lost it all.
i had to let everything out. i had to let anything and everything that has ever bothered me in my entire life out of me. i screamed. while i was driving. i screamed so hard that i felt my throat was going to rip apart and bleed from the inside. the sides of my stomach hurt, as if someone had taken two dull knives and jabbed them into my waist. they still hurt. my vision went blurry and it felt like the world around me shook. luckily, i was less than half a block away from home. i pulled in my driveway, saw that nobody was home, left my car running, and cried.
i needed to cry. it's been so long since i was able to really cry. not the crying that you do when you watch sad movies. or when you're moved by something. but the crying that you do when it involves yourself. where you've given up. and you realize that something's wrong.
something is wrong. i think i'm losing my mind.
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