fear
| <<-- : 02.12.03 : -->> |
10:16 p.m.i have this fear. i don't know why. but i've always had this fear for as long as i can remember. it's just something i feel deep down inside.
i sometimes feel like if i were to ever reach a high point in my life, a time where i'm most happy, something tragic will happen to me. that i'll die. that i'll be happy with everything in my life, and that it would be my time. or even if things aren't completely fixed in my life, but i'll be okay with everything, it would be time for me to leave this life and move on to another. it would be a time when i'd be most afraid to die. that is when things are going good.
i don't fear death. i fear not being able to live.
this thought comes to my mind at odd times. i was outside smoking a cigarette and i felt a small moment of contentment. and then a sudden sense of fear. fear of dying right here and right now.
i thought about how my body would've been found, of who would've found me. of what my mom would've felt. of what my friends would've felt. i started to think about all the people in my life and what they would say at my funeral. about my last diary entry. what would people find out about me? what kind of legacy did i leave? what kind of impact?
i'm not ready to go.
and i think that sometimes this fear causes me to sabotage everything good in my life that comes my way. because some sick part of me thinks that when i achieve everything i've set out to achieve, that i'd die as soon as that was done.
it's pretty fucked up, i know. i just feel that way sometimes.
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