slightly homesick
| <<-- : 11.30.03 : -->> |
12:39 p.m.last night i slept in fear. i was seriously getting home sick. this city is scaring me. am i in over my head? what did i do?
i crave for security and stability. i loved that i had a secure job and i was living in the stable environment of home. but home. i can't live at home. i am a free spirit. i need the adventure. i need to be on my own. makin it big. i can't let that moment of homesickness bring me down. this is good. this move is good for me. it's good for my soul.
i spent all morning in the rain looking for the cingular store, only to find out that they don't have the phone charger i need. i left the AC cord at home. after i had made it a point to not forget it, naturally, i forgot it. but the lady was really cool and offered to charge my phone for me. she told me they're going to be out of stock until wednesday. my phone might last, but i'm sure i can get to another store downtown sometime before then.
i tried to brave the cafe's alone. but i get anxiety everytime i walk into a crowded cafe. something about eating alone in a cramped up place doesn't appeal to me. i can eat alone when there's hardly anyone in there. you'd think it would be the other way around. more people = less obvious that i'm a loner. but i just hate that feeling of around a lot of people. is it due to fear? self-consciousness? probably. all things i'll deal and get over. this city is huge. and i need to get over these anxiety attacks, or else i'd starve, or i'll be doomed to dine alone at home. (note to self: learn how to cook.)
i went into a couple stores before going into the cingular store. i had bought a thank-you card for dave and these two magnets i thought he'd like. his diary profile has a "fuck" theme to it, and so one of the magnets say "queer as fuck." and the other is a superman magnet. even though he's "not superman", he'll always be my hero. i know that we're probably not compatible enough to be together in a romantic relationship way, but he's definitely won my heart over. he is my superman. he is my hero. if it wasn't for him, i'd probably not be here. i wouldn't have discovered useful ways of attacking my fears. i would've stayed a shy, quiet, afraid little man. he's helped speed up that process a lot. i adore him. i just hope that someday i'll find my own ways of doing things for him. i owe him a great deal. he's my inspiration that set me on this quest to do things for others. this past year, i've been on a journey to discover me. but it wasn't until dave interferred in my life that taught me that to find oneself, you need to know those around you. you need to love and care for those around. focus on them, and that is when you will find yourself. to love yourself, is to love others.
kinda makes me think, duh, i knew this all along.
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