mental cutting
| <<-- : 10.13.03 : -->> |
2:08 p.m.

i've always had this problem, where i dwell in my own misery for days. for weeks. for months. for years. i can't stop thinking.

_{that's because you wont stop thinking about it
you are torturing yourself
plus, you're being a bit immature
you are a grown man.}

masochistic tendencies overwhelm me. i've always thought my suicidal tendencies have dissipated. but i think they've taken on different level. i've always known this. so, why must i look for comfort in misery?

lyrics to which are a part of my first full song i've written:

when i sleep, the world thrives
when i wake, the world is gone
cold steel, sharp as knives
slice me into oblivion

i've never been into cutting. as much of a depressed kid that i was, i've never cut myself on purpose to inflict pain. i couldn't even do the razor blade slash thing to my wrist. the idea alone would freak me out. but when i wrote that song, i took an existing poem i had written and wrote it into a song. that particular part was modified by me to fit the music. i had meant that i felt like i've been sliced up by cold steel. but the more i sing it, the more i visualize a person cutting himself. on purpose. and though the song is about one's journey from lonliness and away from suicide and into hope and purpose, i've never intended on it being about cutting.

but maybe i wrote that subconsciously as a way of conveying my tendencies for "mental cutting." i torture myself every day by dwelling in my own misery. as a way of hurting myself. for punishing myself. i just don't do it with razor blades, i use something a bit more powerful, a bit more effective, my mind. my thoughts. my esteem.

_{and yes, you should stop whining.
its really unattractive}

_{people need to tell you that you're not a child anymore and its time for you to stop crying about fears}

the song ends as such:

when i sleep, i thrive
cuz when i wake, i'm gone
no more knives
no more oblivion

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