not about the gym
| <<-- : 08.06.03 : -->> |
8:31 a.m.gyms make me depressed. i never realized how weak i was. i guess i just never really worked out before. trying to keep up with mikey and brian and lift the way they do is tough. of course, out of the three of us, i'm significantly lifting the least amount of weights, but trying to get the motions right is harder than i thought.
am i just weak? am i giving up too easily? i know it's all in my head. i know i have to be strong. once it gets hard, i just want to stop. and i know that i shouldn't. i know what they all tell me is true. i need to believe in myself, it's all in my mind and i need to tell myself that i can do this. blah blah. i just want to stop and whine, "i can't! i can't! i can't!" but i know that's not an option.
i know a lot of it has to do with fear. last week, my arms were incredibly sore and numb. i couldn't bend them. and i don't want to feel that way again. but i know that it leads to progress and it's not going to last very long the more i work out. but, my arms aren't so bad today. they're maybe half as sore as they were last week. is that because i didn't work out as hard last night? but, i think i did. we did more and we were there longer than we were last tuesday. and it is my second week.
it's just discouraging to see everyone around me work out. i can't even check out guys at the gym. i try to sneak peeks every now and then, but not really looking. i'm afraid they'll see me and then they'll react. i don't know how. maybe they'll feel uncomfortable and shift their body weight in the other direction or something. it's so childish and it makes me feel like i'm still closeted. in fact, ever since i've moved back home, it feels like i've been closeted again. i know my mom and my brother knows about me, we just never discussed it, so i feel like i have to hide. the only time i can really be myself is when i'm out with my friends or out in long beach. but as soon as i get home, i lock up, and i shut myself inside. maybe, that's why i'm never home. maybe this is why i'm constantly going out and spending obscene amounts of money. just so i can get away from there. because, i'm honestly not happy.
even if i did come out to them. nothing would change. i'd still wouldn't feel right to bring any of my friends home. the only friends that hang around my house or would come visit me or those from high school, my straight friends. but to introduce my other world into that atmosphere, just doesn't seem right. what would my mom think of me? what would my brother think of me? nothing different. it's not like i haven't brought home boys before. okay, well one. but that was jesse, and we were friends at the time. we didn't start hooking up until the middle of our friendship. so he was already around and my mom and my brother knew him. it seemed alright that he was around.
why am i hiding? why am i closeted again? i thought i came out. i guess i never really did. this would explain my uneasiness with public displays of affection. when i'm in the gay part of long beach or west hollywood or san francisco, i'm okay there. but everywhere else, i just won't do it. i have problems.
suddenly, this entry isn't about the gym anymore. i think i've hit something that i haven't been able to admit to myself until now.
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