reject
| <<-- : 12.18.03 : -->> |
8:03 p.m.so after a riveting conversation, i find that my shy and quietness is causing me to be unattractive and unsexual. i don't know how i feel about this. i mostly feel angry and hurt and sad that i'm rejected. i can't help feeling this way. but rejection fucking sucks. no matter how good the other person's intentions are.
when i think about the things i've done, i feel sick. i feel gross and dirty. it's just not right. i can't help but feeling all this negativity. i try to remember my breathing exercises, and i try to stay within the moment. but i'm starting to notice a pattern here. and maybe it's worth it to investigate the past, so i can identify with what i've done and then toss it. maybe i'm just rambling here. and i have a lot of emotions surging through me right now. i want to let it all out and scream and hit people and hurt myself.
maybe i'm just reacting for some attention. who the fuck knows? oh wait. i do.
when someone tells you that they don't want to be coupled with you, it's not a nice feeling. no matter how much this person hasn't led you on or how much this person has already told you this. but hearing it again and again is not very pleasant.
fuck. i just wanted to get laid. get laid with someone who i care for and who obviously cares about me. but if the attraction isn't there. what can you do? i guess i mislead myself into believing the sexual attraction was mutual.
fuck me and my hormones. all they do is get me into trouble.
this is bullshit. i need to once again exude happiness. but how can i exude happiness when all i see in myself are my faults? all i can see are all those reasons why i'm not wanted. i'm suppose to deal and change myself so that i will be someone attractive and wanted. but it's a long and lonely road. it's tough. but i seriously think i'm making improvements. i'm growing and i'm learning so much about myself. i know i'm headed in the right direction.
i just need to get past the hurt. and i'll find some comfort underneath.
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