wonderful
| <<-- : 12.18.03 : -->> |
11:36 p.m.tonight was wonderful.
i took a stroll down to the metreon and i sat in contemplation drinking my non-fat vanilla latte. (they ran out of soy.) i smoked about 5 cigarettes until the lovely and amazing shaun calls me. we had tentative plans to hang out tonight, but he was suppose to call in the afternoon. i assumed that it wasn't gonna happen. but he called and said he was on his way. so we set up to meet up at the muddy water coffeeshop on church stree to stroll around the castro.
he wanted me to divulge in my wisdom on relationships and such. and sadly, i really didn't have any. i'm just learning that i really don't know what the fuck i'm doing (or have done) with love and relationships and the like. i realize that my slate is clean and i'm absorbing new things. so we discussed a lil with what's goin on in his current relationship and i tried to help with the little i know. but it was pretty fruitless. we both talked and realized a lot of the buddhist teachings that he's heard is a lot similar to what i'm learning now. we then got to talking about boys and playing the "smile game" with passerbyers. that is where you smile at someone passing by to see if they smile back. admist a conversation we were having he busts up laughing and i look back to see a guy passing by. he was playing the game and i now realize how fun that will be. he says that guys just love it when you smile at them. and i believe him. everyone could use more smiling.
we then started to talk about hair and our hairdressers. i love talking about hair and this boy is going crazy with his. he has a very cute pompador (sp?) thing going on. he wants to bring the new wave big hair thing back up here. i told him that i've seen it a lot in LA. i didn't know that the white trash 80's new wave look hadn't reached up here. or has it? we weren't quite sure. i then brought up how i missed my own hairstylist in long beach. when i got my haircut up here in the castro, i felt like i was cheating on him! it's a pretty cool relationship you develop with your hairstylist. he was a pretty consistent man in my life for the two years i've been going to him. and shaun happens to be dating his stylist. i think it would be rad to have a stylist boyfriend. cuz fuck, haircuts are fucking expensive, and i always want my hair cut. i can't stand it too shaggy or plain black all the time. i'd love to have the freedom of a stylist boyfriend fuckin up my hair and makin it crazy whenever i'd want it. anyway, a bit off topic.
we were about to close the night when the fabulous charls walks up with his bf(?), paul. we proceeded to talk about the show that charls is in. this weekend is the last weekend it's showing and i hope i'll get to see it. i don't know if i can afford it right now, but it looks fun. plus charls is in drag and that should be a hoot! (yeah. i said hoot. deal with it.)
so i get home and i look at my phone to find a voicemail. it's from denmark, my roomate, and he's at the bar working. i can barely make out a phone number and that this guy is looking for me. i re-listen to the message and he says that todd and his friend nicole want me to call them. i've never had anyone hunt me down like that. todd and nicole were totally cool that night. i was pretty much trashed that night a little embarassed, thinking that they were glad to be rid of me at the end of the night. but i guess i was wrong. so i have plans to hang out with todd tomorrow night. i think i'm gonna chill on the drinking though. i start work on saturday, and i don't want to show up hungover or tired at all. i just couldn't say no to todd about hanging out. i was pretty flattered that someone was looking for me.
despite this wonderful evening, i've decided that i'm going to own the name "reject." i'm so used to being rejected. it's not even funny anymore. i figure that i'm going to own the name. i will become the thing that i fear most. if i own it, it can't hurt me anymore. i know i'm loved and accepted. but the fear of rejection looms like a dark shadow promising of rain. if i own and become this thing, i can be free.
i'm a reject. doesn't it sound kinda punk? it feels liberating. we're all rejects in a way. we all have our rejections. sometimes it can be a good thing. it opens up for new acceptances in life. we can be rejected from the bad, so we can be accepted into the good.
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