succumb
| <<-- : 01.18.04 : -->> |
12:24 a.m.for the past four days or so, i've clicked the "add an entry" link and would stare at the blank white box that sat before me. nothing i could think of could explain how i've been feeling. i can't seem to decipher what's inside my head. i know i deserve it, and i know i'm not the victim here. i've been reckless and careless with myself.
i've been self destructive.
i must hate myself so much. i've been told time and time again and i have no excuses. this wasn't out of love. this wasn't with someone i knew or cared for. in fact, he didn't even tell me he was positive. i found out by seeing his profile for the first time, days later.
since finding this out, i've been on the phone with the AIDS hotline twice. i didn't know what to do. i was kind of freaking out and kind of not at the same time. the second time i called, it was right after i discovered that i was left with another present: gonorrhea. i was immediately directed to a couple clinics, both which had very wonderful comforting people on the other end. i went and got tested and treated, and that was that. while i was there, i also got vaccinated for hepatitis and tested for syphilis. i'm suppose to come back in 3 months for my HIV test.
the severity of this situation eats at me everyday. on wednesday, the morning after crying myself to sleep, i went to work as usual, smiled my way through serving coffee and joked and had fun with my co-workers. as soon as i clocked out, i went straight home to curl up for the remainder of the day. thursday was my big class-adding day. news from home hit me hard in the morning, someone i care for deeply is in rehab. my nerves were also shot, since i had to add all my classes in an already full school. but one after the other, i got them all. i'm excited that i have work and school to distract me, but i can't let that make me forget that i have a problem.
i'm abusive. to myself. and this could cause me my life. or cause it to shorten dramatically. if i can't take care of myself now, how is it going to be if i'm infected with HIV?
something needs to change. i need to change.
so i've made the decision to go celibate for the next three months. i will not seek out the company of another. i will not seek a companion. i need to be alone and comfortable in my skin. if another pursues me, i'll deal with it accordingly. i don't want to shut anyone out. but i'm not going to actively seek out dates. i will not have sex until i know for certain my HIV status. and not for reasons of infecting anyone because i should've been practicing safe sex regardless. but for showing me that i can have a life outside of sex. that i can find comfort in other aspects of my life. more healthier aspects.
i don't want to be silent much longer. but the silence is comforting. i don't want to be depressed. but i can't help but feel that if i'm not depressed about this, then it feels like i'm getting away with murder.
because basically: i've killed myself.
i know i�m not the victim here
don�t think i want your sympathy
i just want to go on living here
so i must succumb to my miserycan�t you see me lying here? i am naked on the floor
My flesh is bare and i confess that I�ve never wanted more
words and music by anthony b. riva, work in progress
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