tired
| <<-- : 08.04.03 : -->> |
11:40 a.m.so i sort of broke down on friday. i completely lost myself to frustration and anger where those two had needed not to be. i got home from work, wanting to do laundry. it involved a broken dryer, a car alarm and no keys, wet clothes. all of a sudden, everything rushed into my head and i couldn't take it anymore. i curled up and prayed that i could just cry everything out of me.
but i went outside to smoke a cigarrette. i fixed the fuse that is connected to the dryer, whereas for weeks i could not. and all was well. sort of.
i couldn't shake off the feeling. i couldn't get out of this turmoil that i had put myself through. have i not been expressing my emotions enough to the point where it's causing me to break down? or maybe too much, and i've open flood gates. i think i might need help.
i went out with joy and geof to our friend celia's house in balboa island. i was pretty much quiet for most of the evening, but joy's infectious laugh got the better of me. before i knew it, i was laughing the hardest i've ever laughed in a long while. it felt good. it hurt, but the good kind of hurt. i didn't get as drunk as i thought i would, but i passed out kind of early. i've been not getting enough sleep last week. i think it caught up to me this weekend.
saturday, we went to the beach for this free outdoor party. it was pretty cool. two very stiff rum and dr. peppers later, i was being tackled in the sand. i still have sand everywhere. it was a lot of fun.
and sunday i went to yoga, as planned. and i like it a lot. it's harder than i thought, and i sweated profusely. but we did a lot of meditation and relaxation. i think when i get better at it, i'll be less sore. my neck is pretty sore today. i thought i had all my weight on my shoulders, but apparently i was wrong. but i'm sure it will go away. i'm looking forward to next week.
i got home at around 1pm. i watched a few buffy episodes and fell asleep on the couch. i turned off the t.v. and went into my room and slept til morning. i think i'm well rested, but i haven't eaten very much. i don't remember when i last had a full meal. i know i'm working out and stuff, so it's not intentional that i'm not eating. i just didn't get around to it.
i need a car. or i need to get out of this household. i'm stressing myself out way too much. things are comin down on me hard and i'm not doing anything about it. i think it might have to do with me constantly going out. i think i'm overcompensating for my lack of car and escaping from this reality. i'm aware. now, i just need to cut back and step up. i'd like to have some sort of plan before i leave for black rock. i would hate to come back in september and be back to square one.
it's just, where do i go from here? i'm so lost. i'm so tired. i'm so hungry. i'm depressed. i'm angry. i'm frustrated. i'm annoyed. i'm stuck.
i'm tired.
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