i just want to be cool like everyone else
| <<-- : 04.11.03 : -->> |
8:50 a.m.so this week was a hoot. (yes, i said hoot. and i'll say it again if i wanted to goddamnit!)
i went and saw duncan sheik on tuesday for the first time. he was okay. i've always liked him. i like his sappy style because that's the kind of music i mostly write and play. so it was kind of an homage to go see him live. but sadly to say, i was a little disappointed. he was as great as i thought he would be, but nevertheless fun. he played some cool songs. and i think he's aged a little, but i've never really seen him in person, only a few pictures here and there. nothing to base that on. but i still think he's cute. he didn't play "barely breathing," his one hit wonder song that i love. but that was kind of expected. i'm sure he wanted to veer away from that. i bet he gets a lot of shit for that one song that everyone knows. i still wanted to hear it though. ah well. (i've been doing that a lot.... saying "oh well" or "ah well" and i'm noticing it in my writing in the past few entries or so. i wonder if it has anything to do with my current state of lethargy or lack of motivation. i hope i'm not becoming too passive.)
and last night, i went out with asha to go see bright eyes in hollywood. that was an interesting experience. i've only just heard about him, but when we got there the place was packed with indie kids (quite a few hotties) and hippies. i get a little apprehensive around a lot of people. i don't know if i've always been like this or if it's because i've developed this wall that i put up around myself if i'm not drinking. after a few beers, i was fine. but before that, waiting in line, i was a little uncomfortable around all the kids who seemed a little "too cool for their skin." but, that's just me being a little judgemental. and i can't afford to do that. i don't know what ever happened to me giving people the benefit of the doubt. i've just developed into this bitter person who chooses to stand quietly and alone among a crowd. i try to belong, but when it comes down to it, i don't think i do. and that should be okay. i should be my own person and not have to conform to any certain group whatsoever. i just think we are brought up to believe that the only way we'll survive is if we are part of a social circle with similar tastes and apparel. and it's fine that people tend to clique with the same people and tend to look alike. it's natural. but when it comes to people needing that sort of connection to get by in life, it can lead to false identity and "posers."
i don't want to be a poser. one of my biggest fear is to appear something that i'm not. i try to be me in whatever regards that is. but, who am i? i like a lot of things. i like to dress a certain way just because i like it. i don't want to be inappropriate or anything or i don't want to offend someone's tastes because i happen to like a certain style, but lack the knowledge of musical artists or movie genre that the style relates to. (run-on sentences are the funnest!) i don't understand why we have to fight so hard to be ourselves in this society. but i won't let other people's opinions on who they think i am effect me. i'll listen and if it's hurtful or judgemental, then whatever. it's on them. they choose to be that way because it makes them feel better about themselves. it's fun sometimes to playfully joke around with friends about passer-byers, but when it's your own friends turning their noses up on you because you're not "indie" enough... that's just wrong.
so where does this rant come from? a large majority of my friends in long beach are wonderful artistic indie kids. they're fun people, we drink a lot and can have a good time. they're always in on what's new an interesting on the independent film scene and artists. i'm always trying to keep an eye out for that whenever i have the time. but, if you show an interest in the wrong thing, their noses go straight up. i hate snobbiness. period. i think it's unattractive and bad for the soul. (i'm guilty of it occasionally, and i try very hard to catch myself and reverse direction. i understand it's hard. but, it doesn't change the fact that i don't like it.) i don't know why i fought so hard for acceptance in that group all last year. it was this losing battle that really should've have been fought. but, i thought that if i were cool enough, that maybe they would accept me and that maybe m would've been with me. or some stupid shit like that. i was pretty fucked up. but all those indie kids last night reminded me of that. the air around them was too cool for them.
my perception is just fucked up and has been for awhile now. either i need to stop seeing things this way or i need to find security in myself. if i don't, i'm going to shrivel up into a bitter old gay man with no friends and all alone with his fat and lazy cat. maybe two. big fear. i won't let it happen.
goddamit, i just want to be cool! like everyone else! but no too cool, and not completely like everyone else. i want to be unique, but not too unique, because that would be isolating. but i don't want to be too popular, because a lot of people all at once is annoying. is that too much to ask? ::disclaimer: the above paragraph is completely sarcasm, i hope it came off as so.::
i don't mean to beat myself up too much. or i don't want to attack my friends in long beach. (afterall, i still do consider them friends.) i had a lot of issues living there. a lot of insecurities about myself and i took them out on the people that tried to care for me. but i was difficult. and it wasn't their fault. i kind of isolated myself. i created this turmoil inside, most likely for attention. (old habits are hard to break.) i'm not asking for sympathy anymore. i'm tired of that old game. and i don't play that with anyone anymore. i use to play those games with people and i can see it when others pull the same crap. i never realized how much of a huge turn off it is. "don't give me love because you feel sorry for me, give me love because i deserve it and i shall do the same for you." (and that's not something jesus has said or anything. that comes from me and what i've learned to know.)
okay, back to the show. bright eyes fucking rocked! i had a good time. although, the first two opening acts were a little hard to get through. the first guy was this country singing guy from omaha who sang horrbily off key. i don't know if he was trying to develop his own style or he just didn't know how to sing. i tried really hard to enjoy it, but i couldn't. the music behind him wasn't half bad. everytime he opened his mouth, i cringed. the second guy was this scottish fellow, aidan. (sexy motherfucking accent, i need a scottish/irish boyfriend, i really want one now. i'm determined.) he was okay. much better. the guy sang with a guitar player and two girls, one played the violin/keyboards, and the other played a cello. the music was unbelievably beautiful! his singing was a little better, his lyrics were fun. although there were cringe-worthy moments when he would go off key. but i think it was because he was drunk. bright eyes came out and it was all over. everyone on stage was cute as fuck. even the drummer with the poofy hair was attractive in a strange way. i even think i wanted to bone the female bass player. (oh shit, did i say that?) the highlight of the night was when bright eyes sang happy birthday to aidan and tried to seduce him in the marilyn monroe way. but he was all uncomfortable and left the stage. bright eyes was fucked up and called him a "prude" jokingly. aidan came rushing out on stage and aggressively kissed the kid to prove him otherwise. that was fucking great! i saw flashes go off everyone. someone has to post it online somewhere! i gotta find it.
damn. i need to get to work. shit needs to be done.
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cyclists - 04.06.07
reader update - 04.04.07
read me - 03.29.07
easter sunday - 03.26.07
shutdown day - 03.23.07