afraid to be happy
| <<-- : 05.06.03 : -->> |
9:47 a.m.so my mom found out about my insurance being cancelled. i think the hardest thing for me out of all of this was owning up to my mom about everything. i've always appeared to be the failure out of the family. the one with the most potential and the one who didn't use that. i could've gone so much more with what was given to me, but i chose to fuck up. and i was so afraid of disappointing my mom, i thought i could handle this by myself. fix everything before she even knew anything was wrong. one thing after another, and i screwed up.
so it's all out now. and she's still willing to help me. i really wanted to get rid of the car and move up to SF. it was the easy way out. i'm always taking the easy way out. i'm always running. but we've all decided to take the car and refinance it in my brother's name. i don't think he's too happy about that. it's going to be in his name. the payments will be a little bit cheaper, so that's a good thing. but the bad thing is that he's going to manage my money for me.
i mean, he has every right to. it's his name that's on the line now. and he's not going to let his fuck-up little brother ruin it for him. i know he wants to help me out, but i think i lost their trust one too many times. now they have to babysit me back to a healthy lifestyle. this isn't good. all of that time i thought i was proving myself to them is now gone. but i deserve this kind of treatment. i fucked up royal, and this is what happens. i'm very thankful that they still want to help me out. maybe i'll learn this time. maybe i'll be able to stand alone soon. but i know that i need help.
so my mom's going to try and put me back on her insurance and have me pay her $100 a month for it. that would help out a lot. and i hope they let her. but as of now, i don't have insurance, so i can't drive my car. or more likely, i don't want to. yesterday, when i was driving to and from work, i was extremely paranoid of something happening that i didn't feel safe to drive. and that alone is enough to not drive for awhile. i've been so stressed lately that it's eating me alive. i can see some sort of direction now. and i'm feeling a lot better. i think i'm going to take advantage of this opportunity and go to school. i just don't know what i want to do. my mom grilled me last night trying to get me to go to a tech school. and i just don't want to do that. maybe if it was something in computers, but nevertheless, i just don't think i'm up for that kind of work. i really want to get into graphic design. but i guess i can do all that later. it seems like i have to make all of these life-altering decisions right now.
i guess i'm just afraid. afraid to make something of myself. afraid to grow. afraid to change. afraid to be happy.
fear sucks. i don't want to be afraid anymore.
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