numb
| <<-- : 05.05.03 : -->> |
10:12 a.m.it's a funny feeling i have right now. i don't feel screwed over by fate or anything. i am aware of how i messed up, but i am also aware that it is my mistake. i can see where i went wrong and i can trace my finances to see what i've done.
although i feel defeated, i don't feel jaded. i've wished for more time and i wished for more money, and at the last minute, people came through. but i wasn't wise with that money. that was my fault, again. i believe in the power to will things to be. but, i've abused it. and i won't push my luck. right now, these things are happening to me because i let them. not because i'm this sad little being. and because i feel that these things always happen to me. it's not like that.
i know what i'm capable of. i hope i don't come off as whiney. i don't want that. i don't want to be that. i want to observe the feelings and events that make up my life. i'm surprisingly okay. it's wierd. i should be moping and crying right now. i should be furious at the gods. throwing temper tantrums screaming, "why oh why? why always me!?!"
but i'm not. i don't feel that way. i don't know if it's because i'm finally growing up and i'm being able to accept things about my life to learn to move on. or if it's because i'm getting use to it. and i'm growing numb. but either way, the numbness is comforting. if i can avoid feeling unecessary pain and moving past it, i can make room for the good kind of feelings that come when you know that everything will turn out alright. truly alright. and not the "pat-pat, it's going to be okay" kind of alright. but that feeling that you have that deep down inside, you know that all this is happening for a reason. and that you are learning a true and definite life lesson that will take you farther in what's to come.
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