epiphany
| <<-- : 02.05.03 : -->> |
12:59 p.m.i survived.
the aftermath of dropping pills has been taking a toll on me. i haven't been doing it that often, because everytime, i'd get the post-E depression really bad. and every time it would get worse. i got sick yesterday, a cold. and i'm better today. but i'm afraid the next time, it won't be too pretty.
i've been seriously depressed and angry these past three days. i've been seriously murderous and suicidal. definitely lost in hopelessness. but i'm better now. i feel good.
i can't believe how strung on jimmy i was. what the hell was wrong with me? i know. it was the pills. anytime i see someone i like, and then i drop a pill the next day, i get all obsessive. i see nothing else. i think that he's the only one for me and i'd be completely alone without him. damn drugs! drugs are evil! and now i know from experience. which was the plan. right? uh huh.
i'm just not a strong enough person to distinguish reality anymore. which is what i've been working on this whole time. i've been trying to get myself to be comfortable being alone and independent.
there's no way i can handle a relationship right now. no way. i'm not strong enough. if i get involved with someone right now, i'm just going to slip back into my dependent tendencies. i'll get obsessive and i'll lose myself in the process, again. i can't afford that. there is way too much on my plate right now. i need to fix my finances, i need to get back out on my own, and i need to finish school. sadly, there is no room for romance. no matter how much i want it, i'm not allowed.
the universe has been trying to tell me this for quite awhile now. and only now i'm going to accept it. and utilize this fact to my advantage. i guess i'll just have to settle with meaningless sex and partying. hehe. just kidding. no drugs. but lots of alcohol and hot sweaty boys! most definitely!
anthony is back! better watch the fuck out!
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