looking for evidence
| <<-- : 05.12.03 : -->> |
8:50 a.m.so jesse called me all weekend. he's been calling every now and then, and we've been talking again. it's kind of nice. i still care for him and i still love him, but i can't be with him. and i don't know if i'm ready to see him again. and it was cool, because he's always been at somewhat of a distance. he was always calling from some random place in hollywood.
but, this time, he was calling from long beach. somewhere in downtown. and he wanted to see me. apparently, he did E on saturday and was getting sentimental and depressed. and he needed a hug from me. i wasn't ready to do that just yet. i didn't want to entertain him doing drugs or drinking. and he was just walking around crying and getting into that mood. there was no way i was prepared to see him in that state of mind. it brought back too many memories. or he brought back too many memories by bringing them up. i wanted to avoid seeing him. he kept calling, repeatedly, and i just didn't want to make any plans to drive out there to see him. he's really fucked up right now. i don't know where his mind is half the time, and it scares me.
he kept asking me if i kept anything of his, as for sentimental value. and yes. i did. i didn't have the heart throw away everything. but, i know he was just looking for evidence of me still loving him. even though, he knows i still love him and miss him, i think he wanted to see actual physical evidence, or see it on my face. i couldn't. i couldn't get back into that. not right now anyway, if ever.
he started to cry on the phone, and it really got to me. here he is, up to his same tricks again. i just couldn't. i know that if i were to give in, i'd get swallowed up again. but, nevertheless, i'll still be there for him. i won't rescue him, but i hope he knows that i'll be there to talk.
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