sexual frustration and beyond
| <<-- : 12.20.02 : -->> |
9:47 p.m.so i was suppose to hang out with this guy tonight. we were gonna rent a movie and kick it at his place. i was actually looking forward to it, cuz i haven't been dating anyone, and you know, there was a good chance of...stuff happening. well he backed out on me.
and carina and everyone were probably already out to watch Lord of the Rings. and i already said that i wouldn't go like a million times, feeling stupid because i had this big date planned. And aisha was like, "i have plans." and joy was like, "i'm sick" and whatever. well i never really asked her what she was doing tonite, but she was sick today and didn't come in to work. so i haven't heard from christine or missa all day, although later tonite, i get an email from missa, but that's it. apparently, they went out as well.
i call up adam, cuz he usually does stuff on friday nights, in hopes of taggin along. it turns out that everyone is getting together tonite in long beach for dinner. matt, adam, phi, joy, summer, and more people i don't remember. how cute. they're all getting together before everyone goes off to their respective families for the holidays. i don't know why i feel hurt.
they've never really invited me anywhere anyway. although, i've worked alongside phi for months and we would party together, he always neglects to mention that "everyone" is doing something. joy is really good about inviting me. i think that's cool. but i always turn the invite down, cuz i didn't get invited by matt or adam, who are suppose to be closer friends. or phi, who i've spent most of my time with and thought we were pretty good friends. he was the one i've partied the most with in long beach, but when it comes to "everyone" else, he's this different person. like he's hiding something.
i don't know. it's so gemini-like. i don't like gemini's. i'm sorry, but i don't. it's my whole lack of trust and insecurities. and there's this people of a particular sign who are suppose to show two faces, and if i see any clues to a two-faced person, i run. far. away. it scares me. two faced people are scary to me. it always seems to turn out that those are the people who are the most comfortable to tell everything to, and to confide in, and when it comes down to when you need them the most, they're standing far on the other side of the line.
whatever.
i can't believe i actually thought it was easy to build friendships just like that. ::poof:: instant friends. wouldn't that be nice? just add water! no, it's not. i know i can always count on missa, christine, and aisha...and rosie, and christalle, and scott, linnell, simon (yes. even simon), and maybe ammar or socheata, or chroep, if i ever needed them. we have history. we had a long crazy fucked up history that can never change now. whether or not my fairly "new" friends from the LB are genuine, only time will tell. our history is there, but not as much as those previously mentioned. it's all a matter of time. i just don't know why i should feel this need to rush everything. i don't know why i should expect so much from people i've only just met.
why is that?
why can't i just be happy with what i've got, and with who i am? and just leave it at that?
why do i always need to want more from everyone around me?
i know why i'm not in a relationship! i know why i've screwed up every single fucking opportunity that passed me by. it's because i knew it wouldn't last. that i would expect too much, and that i would get bored on want to move on to someone else. that i would get so full of myself and self centered that i think i'd deserve better. i would find some miniscule flaw in whomever i'm with and choose to be with someone else, until i'd get so lonely that i'd dream up these romantic scenarios and wish i'd meet my true love. blah blah blah. does not exist! no such creature! what the fuck is love anyway? we're all around to get screwed. we're all trying to get off. why do you think we have gays and lesbians and bisexuals and transexuals and so forth? it's sex! if love was really as strong as most of humankind makes it out to be, then
...nothing, nevermind that last attempt at a profound statement.
i'm going to stop here.
i don't know where this rant came from. i only intended on recounting the events of the evening, but i ended up on a tangent. that's what happens when you drink while you're emotional i guess. well i guess i will get back to my own devices. i've decided to drink a six pack of coronas while watching....i haven't decided yet.
here are my choices:
1. ferris bueller's day off
2. the broken hearts club
3. monster's inc
4. amelie
5. relax... it's just sex
6. the neverending story
calculations:
most likely.........amelie or ferris, i don't really know...i'll let you know the winner tomorrow. until then.
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