inconsolable
| <<-- : 05.04.03 : -->> |
11:52 a.m.so friday was fun. i went and saw X2. it was great. i loved it. but i'll spare the details. i have a habit of giving things away. so much happened and bryan singer did a great job. unlike daredevil, where they tried to cram everything into that one movie. plus, ben affleck sucked. very disappointed with that.
i got home. and i was on this high. i felt good when i got home for some reason. i was feeling really good about this weekend. but, waiting for me on the dining table was this piece of mail for me. and like a falling cartoon bomb crashing down on that cartoon landscape, my high exploded into a million tiny pieces. my insurance was cancelled. so now i don't have car insurance. and i don't know what that means for my car. i need to find insurance now. but, i don't think i can afford it. i played solitaire for two hours and went to bed at 1030pm.
i woke up the next day at 1230pm. i slept for 13 hours straight. i had series of crazy dreams. all fears and insecurities attacking me while i'm vulnerable and unconscious. many things appeared as false memories. i dreamt about moving to SF. i dreamt about my friends hating me. i dreamt false happiness about things turning out right. i dreamt about failing. mixed emotions waking me up to confusion.
i finally got up and got ready and joy called. our friend, renedia, from work is throwing a BBQ for us. partly, because at work we are allowed one free week of our summer science camp to give out for our children or any child we might know to be interested. but, our friend was only hired as a temporary position, so she wasn't included on that bonus. and she has two kids who are in elementary school who would love to go. so i offered mine to her. and she wanted to thank me. so joy came over to pick me up and we went over there. it was only down the street so that was cool. i set aside my fears of what's to come and i wanted to have a good time. we ended up hanging out with her friends and it was great. they consisted of two lesbian couples, all a little bit older, and it kind of reminded me of long beach and club broadway. it was really cool. we had a lot of fun. one of the girls had a new girlfriend so they did they grilling thing. it was cool. i learned a lot about how they met and what they all do for a living. we drank beer and smoked a ton of cigarrettes. we had good chicken and corn on the cob and real mac and cheese. it was all good. we watched the de la hoya fight, which was kind of disappointing, and i haven't seen too many. but i expected more. we made cookies out of this colored door that renedia bought from work one day. it was great. i made a bedtime bear, a pink dinosaur and a little medalian with the cancer sign on it. her kids thought they were cool. all in all, the afternoon was pretty fun.
i got home around 9 and i went straight to bed. i only meant to take a nap, but i ended up sleeping til 1030 in the morning. i can't believe how much i slep this weekend. how much of it was wasted. i called my bank this morning to see if that last car payment went through. my bank has been overdrawn, but sometimes, it would go through and cause my accont to be more negative. it didn't. instead a returned check charge went through. and i guess that means they'll be on their way to repossess my car any time now. wow. in the course of a weekend, i lost my insurance and my car. what does this say about me? i guess it wasn't just in the course of a weekend, it was much longer than that. but did i do this to myself? i knew fully what was to come, yet i didn't do much about it. i could've done so much more, and yet i stood around. doing nothing. maybe deep down inside, i wanted this to happen. maybe it wasn't so deep down. it was just skimming the surface of my consciousness and i was ignoring it and setting it aside because maybe i feel a little shameful and i didn't want to own up to my feelings.
things will work out. i'm not worried. i think i've worried and stressed as much as one could. i'm done. this isn't the end of the world. or my world anyway. i'm going to be okay. and i'm going to survive. i want to be happy. and if i will it, it will be.
i have to do laundry now. SF is up in less than two weeks. the wedding is up in much less after that. my birthday will follow. all good things to look forward to. i will leave you now with a couple pictures of my faux-hawk that i took for davemarr a couple weeks back. :)
I never knew what enough was
Until I'd had more than my share
Then I let the darkness in
It was then I lost the dare
It was then I lost the dayThere will be no prayers on your return
And there will be no party thrown
And you will find your inheritance
Is the silence that's grown
It is the seed that you've sown'Cause you were the one sure thing
The one sure thingMaybe I'm not crazy, just inconsolable
Inconsolable-Jonatha Brooke, Inconsolable
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cyclists - 04.06.07
reader update - 04.04.07
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