long time companion
| <<-- : 06.12.03 : -->> |
8:32 a.m.so i've been talking to this guy online lately, just for the past couple of days or so. and he seems really cool. we were getting along talking about a bunch of t.v. crap and just random things. he was telling me about his boyfriend and all the crap that he's going through with him. this isn't the point of why i'm bringin this guy up, but in addition to that, i find it refreshing giving relationship advice or not necessarily advice, but just sharing my past experiences with jesse and my past crushes. anyway, i saw on his profile that he was looking for a gym buddy. and i really want a gym buddy, seeing that all my friends don't go to the same gym i do, or if they do, our schedules just don't work out. so we finally got to meet up at the gym yesterday.
it turns out that this dude was one of the first guys i've ever met in person from online. actually, he was the first guy that i've met and didn't fool around with. see, in those days, meeting online for me always resulted in a hook-up. he was the first guy to show me around west hollywood and long beach. we drove around everywhere that night, just talking and hanging out. he was really cool to me. i was barely coming out at that time and he was barely discovering himself and wanted to show me all the places he knew about. he kind of opened my eyes to the world i never knew. it was strange. when i first saw him, he kind of looked familiar. but once he said that i looked familiar, it all clicked. and then we got to catch up a little. hooray for pleutonic friendship!
so he showed me around on the weights. and damn, i'm so fucking sore. i woke up this morning and i couldn't even lift my arms. but i'm so grateful, because now i have a little routine for myself. i'm excited to get back on the weights.
so i get home and all i wanna do is watch t.v. i had a great workout, i think i deserve a little t.v. time. i turn on sho-too, and it's this movie called, "long time companion." it's about the early 80's when they first discovered AIDS and HIV. the beginning was a little cheesy, seeing the gay culture in those times and the hair and the music. it was kinda cool, only because that seems to be "in" today. but there was this "sexy" scene between all the guys, and the music was just horrible and porn-like. but the previous scenes before that had built up to this moment, and it was kinda romantic.
anyway, it was so interesting to see how everyone reacted to that first article about the "homosexual cancer" that was becoming an outbreak everywhere. everyone kind of shrugged it off or laughed it off. and then as the movie progressed, one by one, everyone started to die off. everyone was afraid, and they didn't know what was happening. it really makes you appreciate the medical advances that we have now. back then, it was pretty fast and once you caught something, you were pretty much gone, just like that.
i was getting pretty emotional. i kept watching the dates that flashed on the screen, trying to imagine how old i was at the time, not knowing the world around me that would come to affect me today. when i was young, this disease was young. i couldn't help but see the parallel. it's always been a fear of mine that i will one day find that i'm positive. but i've come to not fear it. i wanna learn all that i can about it. i don't want to be afraid anymore. when i was a kid, i remember wanting to learn everything about science so that one day i'll find the cure for AIDs. i was ambitious little tyke. even then, i knew i was gay.
i didn't get to finish the movie because joe called. i had called him on monday to see if he was still doing massages. he went to massage school and has a little part-time massage thing going on from his apartment. but last time i talked to him, i don't remember if he said he was still doing that or not. i just realized that i really needed one, and who better to call on than him. but on monday, i ended up not getting around to it, and we talked a little bit about what was going on with our lives, catching up. he was on his way out the door so he said he'd call me back in a couple days or so. and for joe, that means next week. so you can see my surprise at this unexpected call last night. and of course i'd rather talk to him then finish the movie. we ended up talking for an hour. we caught up with each other, talked about vegas, talked about coming trips. i told him about san francisco and about burning man. it was a nice conversation. we kind of ended the call with "maybe" plans. we might meet up for a drink after he gets off work on friday night, or we might meet up for drinks on monday night. i have a room key from MGM grand in vegas that lets you get into studio 54 for free. and he's going to vegas in a couple weeks. i told him to check it out. so partly, it's to give him the key. but we've been trying to meet up for awhile now but shit keeps goin down, and even he acknowledged that.
the only problem is that i have this "date" on friday night with someone from friendster. this guy insists on taking me out to dinner. but i think he expects to see someone else. i don't know. i'm not holding my breath or anything. i just wanted to go out and start dating again. so i accepted. but i'm very sure that he's going to not like what he sees. he's from a completely different world than i. he's successful, he lives in hollywood, and he's a pretty boy. generally not the kinds of guys who go for me. and asha is having a sleepover -get-fucked-up- party that night. i told her if the date doesn't go well that i'd head over there, show up late and get my drink on. and then tal tells me that she's getting everyone together cuz it's been awhile since we all got to party with each other for a night at club red. and now joe. fuck, why am i so popular all of a sudden? haha. okay, so i'm not. but being asked out to do things is a rarity for me lately. so i want to make it all work. i don't think i'm going to reds. too much money, not really ready to do drugs again. (this weekend knocked me on my ass. i almost joined the fucking navy for christ's sake! hells no.) not saying that if i go that i have to do drugs. it's just the consensus of the venue.
and thus is life. i'm taking my own advice. the best advice that i can give anyone, if anyone wants it, is to take one thing at a time. and every since i made that conscious decision, i've felt a lot better. i felt less stressed, and less worried. i feel good. and so far, all's well. one thing at a time. one day at a time. i got carried away with planning too far ahead and working too much out in my head.
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